A bride, a valium and a closet drinker

Note to self, if and when a marriage is ever going to be taking place in this lifetime I will:

A. Elopement is very enticing and the money saved could be pushed onto a major party with friends and family afterward. More money for booze that way-because I’m cheap like that

B. Find comfort in with a PCP and get set up with one of the three charmers: Prozac, Valium or Xanax to ease the rising tension of the people around me i.e. Mom and Sister

C. Throw a bridal party at a house not a store

It has become a little on the clearer side that it’s all about marriages and babies this year, divorces are so blasé and in last year’s fashions. A friend is getting married just after Memorial Day and over the weekend she threw a bridal shower that was originally planned to be a sort of come and go as you please for a few hours.

The shower was being held at my other friend’s boutique, a place that has not seen the likes of more than 30 people inside the walls all at once. A place of almost peace and serenity; even when in the temptation throws of serious consumerism.

It was chaos. People were everywhere and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a plastic knife from the cake. It was frenzied but eventually became a train-wreck for voyeurism in top form.

Bottles of champagne and wine being opened during the setup which was well in the morning (which knowing if and when a wedding ever happens in this court that is expected as well), so much back talking that your ears would turn red, a bride who looked as if she would rather have been at home than at her own party at the end of the party….

and a grandmother who snuck off to the washroom more often than any bladder would allow. With her bag.

Now I’m not one to cast stones, the first couple of times I figured nothing of it just an overactive bladder. The more times she kept clogging up the washroom I thought theft, but she never brought clothes with her.

That is when the bag came into view. Normally I’d say this is a very sad thing, but when you’re aware and telling strangers that even the AA police would be avoiding that shindig, an intervention is in order. But then again…everyone was sipping a little more than the average. Even so, the woman was still functioning and holding babies, walking around. One would never know she was drunk or well on her way.

To make matters even more awkward, I had been asked from multiple people if there were altercations between others. Time to pop another pill and chase it with some wine. With the booze flowing, there was so much merchandise that had anyone slipped with a beverage in hand, disaster could have struck.

By the end of the shower I felt completely drained, and I was a guest! This is where the prescriptions come into play. Showers are fun, everyone has a great time, the bride is glowing because she is so happy. If you’re not feeling this, those little pills will make you smile wide and shine brightly. It was a rocky boat ride. Groups were segregated, everyone was friendly but there were distinct couplings-weird, very few took part of having their nails painted, spray tans and massages.

Lesson learned this time around, depending on the bride. Showers are like rollercoasters. They go up and down and just when you think you’ve found a groove along the rails you’re launched into an oblivion of chaos and speed.

Booty Boudoir

Okay now that the fat man pants have been restored back in the dresser let’s get back into serious business.

As in pinup spectacular, exposed flesh, every man (and woman’s) fantasy in photographic form.

Bow chicka…que the porn music because it just got about 40 degrees warmer in this joint.



Don’t hide your blush, it’s alright! I was thinking the same thing otherwise why would have it been written?

My friend is getting married in less than four months and as part of her photographer’s package there was a side deal of a possible boudoir spread. How much do you love this? In my opinion, it is a must for serious relationships and gifts for a new bridegroom. Or a random treat for that special someone who never saw it coming. Hello, yup we saw that one coming.

This friend, you would never expect this of a special education school teacher. Her fiancé has no clue of what’s in store. I wouldn't even think she would actually go forward and do this but when she asked if I would come with her (with champagne and valium in tow-don’t worry) I instinctively pulled out pom poms (they’re always around) and cheered…

Give me a Y…..Give me an E….Give me an S…What does that spell…

Y-E-S!!!

Here is something that your closest girlfriend, sister and definitely your mom won’t say (unless your Mom is like mine. The lady is completely liberal and used to own a sex shop…we’re Cali through and through!) No matter what our crazy eyes tell us…we are sexy ladies. WE ARE.

Put yourself in a matching getup and you are golden. Put yourself in a matching set, throw on some thigh highs and stilettos and you have just sealed the deal. Niagra Falls has already sprouted a leak. Now add a photographer and steal those precious moments of feeling at your very best and then gift that out.

That is what she is doing. Her fiance’s birthday is literally days before their wedding. She is getting these sexy photos and then going to surprise him in their new home with them. Decked out in the lingerie that she will be wearing in the exact pictures.

Does that not spell hotness with a capital H? Dammit I need to find a man or a minute man.

I almost think that I am more excited for her hence the champagne and hourly rate for our prized prince valium!

I love how this addition is becoming more common for photographers especially for upcoming nuptials. One of my closest girlfriends did this for her now husband right before they got married. Yowza, the pictures were smokin’ hot. I’m saying this because I was a chief contributor to what got picked. I’m single so everyone automatically picks me as the eyes to be. What is a girl to do, and hold the phone. Where is my discount?

Think about how good you feel in slinky lingerie, how good you feel when your man (or lady-we’re pc over in this corner) buys your luscious duds. You feel amazing and always wish there was a camera around to capture that moment. Well now there is and it’s not frowned upon.

I’m not saying go out and start taking random photos because lord knows that can be a serious dilemma. Youtube is a terrible frienemy (text sexages-don’t even get me started) for mobile videos. Not fun. But I will admit that when we feel good we look good and why not capture that feeling of absolute appeal that your significant other tends to always see and you always see in them.

So I’m off. To bed first but then an early morning wakeup call that will feel like TopModel. Champagne and Prosecco ready. My friend is coming round early to spruce her hair up in the porn wall mirror (the wall of shame in my front room…lord it really is a wall of tacky reflected shame) and then is lucky to have a professional makeup artist make her rumpled and bedroom ready! God bless knowing a professional model and having her contacts.

So with that. It’s Monday are you ready for the week. More importantly get your booty set for a little sugar n' spice...and everything not so nice!