Going all out vs naturally staying the course

I need a minute.

Yesterday was hellacious, not the way to start a brighter and better year. Today I am reaping in the emotional turmoil (for this minute only!!!). To start it I had a coffee date with a guy I had met randomly before Christmas. We had gotten together once before for a brief walk and talk but it was freezing outside and the time we had was cut a tad short.

Our little chat was nice, genuine. He was sweet. My mind short circuited the minute we sat down on the fluffy chairs of the coffee shop.

It felt like purchasing a car, or more like he was purchasing a car.

We went through the typical dating questions which were easier because there had been a couple of holidays in between. I wasn’t feeling it, I wasn’t feeling him in that pull sort of way when you click with someone and things flow. They were not flowing.

According to our conversation, I’d be walking away with a: 4 door luxury sedan with Wisconsin plates, a motor that can rev up to $100,000+ in a year and fits comfortably in a two car garage.

I normally go into dates with the mindset that I am out there to meet new people. As friends and whatever else that may happen. It makes it easier and takes the stress out of how conversations flow and how my body language is coming across.

If I’m talking to a friend I’m completely relaxed, can say anything without my voice shaking or mindlessly twisting hair. If I’m out looking for a guy to jump his bones (not the case but to make a point), the language is very different.

We finished up the date but it left me feeling a little on the self-conscious side of everything.

Please God, do not let me be a perpetual spinster!

It is not that I am overly picky, because lord knows I am so low maintenance it’s scary. This new guy, it was like he had a long list he was checking off and I don’t know maybe I just went out with him because it felt nice being wanted for a minute. Even if it lasted an hour.

I have been through the ringer in relationships (who has not) and have worked extremely hard on repairing parts of me that were damaged in one specific relationship that turned drastically bad.

The typical drill of being in what was thought to be a perfect relationship, building a future, talking about taking another big step, THE big step, and then it was over. He wasn’t ready to commit, he didn’t want children, he wanted a material lifestyle. What!?! Who was this stranger? I thought we were committed?

Shit.

Just when I was feeling confident about me, about life and getting back on course in the dating zone a little curve ball got thrown.

Last night my phone got tickled with a message from that stranger. The stranger ex. The message was brief in a cocky format: he is coming into town (how he knows I moved is beyond me) and wants to meet up.

I stared at the message on the phone and could not believe the audacity of this man. Even though time has passed I still cannot see the man I fell in (and heartbreakingly out of) love with in ANY of the words that were in that message.

I am not for sale. I am not some anonymous girl you can phone up when you are travelling.

I was pissed off.

Frustrated.

Never felt lonelier in my life frustrated and pissed off.

The message immediately got deleted without a response. How have I attracted that into my life? Nice people finish last I am beginning to believe it!

I mean, I have not heard from this guy in over a year. And he decided to reach out.

That’s too bad. I decided it was not going to work.

There is absolutely no way I will allow that toxic element into my life and turn into a wrecking ball ready to crash through the wall I have erected for safety. Yes, that wall is up for situations like these. Yes it can be broken and lowered down for the right person.

I will take your wrecking ball and eat it for lunch. Along with a full course meal, lover.

I also decided (not even going to mention the workaholic disappearing act…yikes that was a fluke!) that this bout of loneliness is over. Confidence levels are totally restored because this “quiet” time is no longer working.

I am putting myself ALL out there for new people, friends and gentleman callers.

Scratch that. A gentleman caller. Though if there are (s) you won’t hear complaints from this end.

This is not a life fulfilling prophecy on an endless search for some unrealistic outcome. That email set off detonations and made me feel not only cheap but a whole other range of emotions.

I want to be courted, to be appreciated and a whole lot more. Wanting is one thing but making it happen takes action.

So am I naturally staying the course to being a spinster, absolutely not.

I have no intention of being an old lady with cats, collecting ratty old clothes and making the rounds at Goodwill. Only to come home and sip cheap wine in a wicker chair sucking on my front teeth.

I shouldn’t be as worked up over this but I am. What does this mean?

Online dating? Ugh, I shudder at the thought but since I don’t have friends here yet is that the way to do it? I am not photogenic whatsoever!

Sporting events? Who would I go with? I already volunteer but the majority of people involved are ladies. I’ve changed up workouts so cardio days are in the evenings. I need a job to network!

Maybe god will bless me with a chance encounter with a certain tall man who just happens to drop by the city? That is a fantasy but a well played out one! But so not the case of finding Mr. Right.

Sweet Jesus that was a bitch fest and is prematurely causing wrinkles. JK. But it is causing temptations for a drink so moving on!

If I wasn’t a bigger person I would post that god awful email, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. But you know what, I’m not. So for your enjoyment, here is the snazzy piece of “junk mail” for your reading pleasures.

date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 9:48 PM
subject hey
mailed by msn.com
signed by msn.com

Hey, it’s been awhile. Heard you moved to Chi-town, had to run from Seattle huh? That’s okay, I’ll forgive you this time. I’m heading that way in a couple of weeks. Can you spare a few days out of your “busy” schedule for a little down time (…) with an old friend? Give me a call.

I get in on the ___ and staying at the ______, it’ll be fun.

XX

Are you fucking serious!?! Yeah I said the big bad F. Jesus will forgive it.
All good things come from experiences right? Unfortunately this was one that apparently I had to go through in order to build a backbone and speak up. At least I can turn from this and say Thank God that’s a thing in the past, Phew!

This calls for much needed coffee. Happy Monday!!