Going all out vs naturally staying the course

I need a minute.

Yesterday was hellacious, not the way to start a brighter and better year. Today I am reaping in the emotional turmoil (for this minute only!!!). To start it I had a coffee date with a guy I had met randomly before Christmas. We had gotten together once before for a brief walk and talk but it was freezing outside and the time we had was cut a tad short.

Our little chat was nice, genuine. He was sweet. My mind short circuited the minute we sat down on the fluffy chairs of the coffee shop.

It felt like purchasing a car, or more like he was purchasing a car.

We went through the typical dating questions which were easier because there had been a couple of holidays in between. I wasn’t feeling it, I wasn’t feeling him in that pull sort of way when you click with someone and things flow. They were not flowing.

According to our conversation, I’d be walking away with a: 4 door luxury sedan with Wisconsin plates, a motor that can rev up to $100,000+ in a year and fits comfortably in a two car garage.

I normally go into dates with the mindset that I am out there to meet new people. As friends and whatever else that may happen. It makes it easier and takes the stress out of how conversations flow and how my body language is coming across.

If I’m talking to a friend I’m completely relaxed, can say anything without my voice shaking or mindlessly twisting hair. If I’m out looking for a guy to jump his bones (not the case but to make a point), the language is very different.

We finished up the date but it left me feeling a little on the self-conscious side of everything.

Please God, do not let me be a perpetual spinster!

It is not that I am overly picky, because lord knows I am so low maintenance it’s scary. This new guy, it was like he had a long list he was checking off and I don’t know maybe I just went out with him because it felt nice being wanted for a minute. Even if it lasted an hour.

I have been through the ringer in relationships (who has not) and have worked extremely hard on repairing parts of me that were damaged in one specific relationship that turned drastically bad.

The typical drill of being in what was thought to be a perfect relationship, building a future, talking about taking another big step, THE big step, and then it was over. He wasn’t ready to commit, he didn’t want children, he wanted a material lifestyle. What!?! Who was this stranger? I thought we were committed?

Shit.

Just when I was feeling confident about me, about life and getting back on course in the dating zone a little curve ball got thrown.

Last night my phone got tickled with a message from that stranger. The stranger ex. The message was brief in a cocky format: he is coming into town (how he knows I moved is beyond me) and wants to meet up.

I stared at the message on the phone and could not believe the audacity of this man. Even though time has passed I still cannot see the man I fell in (and heartbreakingly out of) love with in ANY of the words that were in that message.

I am not for sale. I am not some anonymous girl you can phone up when you are travelling.

I was pissed off.

Frustrated.

Never felt lonelier in my life frustrated and pissed off.

The message immediately got deleted without a response. How have I attracted that into my life? Nice people finish last I am beginning to believe it!

I mean, I have not heard from this guy in over a year. And he decided to reach out.

That’s too bad. I decided it was not going to work.

There is absolutely no way I will allow that toxic element into my life and turn into a wrecking ball ready to crash through the wall I have erected for safety. Yes, that wall is up for situations like these. Yes it can be broken and lowered down for the right person.

I will take your wrecking ball and eat it for lunch. Along with a full course meal, lover.

I also decided (not even going to mention the workaholic disappearing act…yikes that was a fluke!) that this bout of loneliness is over. Confidence levels are totally restored because this “quiet” time is no longer working.

I am putting myself ALL out there for new people, friends and gentleman callers.

Scratch that. A gentleman caller. Though if there are (s) you won’t hear complaints from this end.

This is not a life fulfilling prophecy on an endless search for some unrealistic outcome. That email set off detonations and made me feel not only cheap but a whole other range of emotions.

I want to be courted, to be appreciated and a whole lot more. Wanting is one thing but making it happen takes action.

So am I naturally staying the course to being a spinster, absolutely not.

I have no intention of being an old lady with cats, collecting ratty old clothes and making the rounds at Goodwill. Only to come home and sip cheap wine in a wicker chair sucking on my front teeth.

I shouldn’t be as worked up over this but I am. What does this mean?

Online dating? Ugh, I shudder at the thought but since I don’t have friends here yet is that the way to do it? I am not photogenic whatsoever!

Sporting events? Who would I go with? I already volunteer but the majority of people involved are ladies. I’ve changed up workouts so cardio days are in the evenings. I need a job to network!

Maybe god will bless me with a chance encounter with a certain tall man who just happens to drop by the city? That is a fantasy but a well played out one! But so not the case of finding Mr. Right.

Sweet Jesus that was a bitch fest and is prematurely causing wrinkles. JK. But it is causing temptations for a drink so moving on!

If I wasn’t a bigger person I would post that god awful email, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. But you know what, I’m not. So for your enjoyment, here is the snazzy piece of “junk mail” for your reading pleasures.

date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 9:48 PM
subject hey
mailed by msn.com
signed by msn.com

Hey, it’s been awhile. Heard you moved to Chi-town, had to run from Seattle huh? That’s okay, I’ll forgive you this time. I’m heading that way in a couple of weeks. Can you spare a few days out of your “busy” schedule for a little down time (…) with an old friend? Give me a call.

I get in on the ___ and staying at the ______, it’ll be fun.

XX

Are you fucking serious!?! Yeah I said the big bad F. Jesus will forgive it.
All good things come from experiences right? Unfortunately this was one that apparently I had to go through in order to build a backbone and speak up. At least I can turn from this and say Thank God that’s a thing in the past, Phew!

This calls for much needed coffee. Happy Monday!!

It’s time to say goodbye to 2010 and Welcome 2011

As the hours are beginning to wind down and a new year is about to begin, I cannot help but sit down with a cup of coffee and think about everything that has taken place over the course of the past twelve months.

This year has been filled with good times and bad. Far too many changes have chiseled their way through the precious timeline and made some of those days unbearable. But at the same time there is so much happiness that has come from this year that cannot go unaccounted for.

Moments where you feel you have lost everything, your family, your friends, your loved ones and have no idea how to pull yourself through the mess. And then there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you realize that there is a new day ahead where you can make a change, reinforce some positive action and implement an initiative in reclaiming what was once lost.

Miles have separated us but communication keeps us bound and if it weren’t for tender moments I honestly do not know where I would be this morning.

In a move to clear my mind, it turned out that it was truly a soul that needed nourishment. It needed time to heal itself and find strength. To build the inner empowerment that can only make us a better daughter, sister, lover, etc. A better human being.

I am thankful for this year and all of the opportunities (and lack thereof) for it was not only a learning experience but a time for personal growth.

Over the months within the year, there have been times of doubt and feeling unsure about who the woman I was and where that woman was heading into.

This morning, though it’s not earth shattering it is getting clearer on who I am becoming as an individual.

As a woman.

As someone who is equally as worthy of anything out there that brings joy and happiness.

Looking at life through a glass is never what we expect.

Things we may have wished for and fought for may seem distorted once we grab hold of them. The toughest acceptance is that we can get everything we ask for in the time we ask for it with a little twist.

The year that is coming into view is the start of a new day. A new time. It’s time to let go of everything that took place over the course of 2010 and see what exciting things are in store for the next year to come.

Anyways, out with the old. In with the New.

It’s NYE, everyone enjoy yourselves for a safe and fun night filled with festivities and celebrations!

Happy New Year!!!!

One of the more precious Christmas blessings

Merry Christmas. Today has been a day from start to, well now!

Last month, my sister and I decided that we wouldn't exchange gifts this year but it was totally okay for the tazmanian cutie to get spoiled. Which of course, how can you not spoil your nephew?

By mid-morning, after enjoying a Christmas walk in the snow I got a phone call from everyone back home. With the monster in the background shoving jelly beans into his new tool box and my brother in law trying to figure out a nerf gun, I got the news from the source.

When my sister said we weren't exchanging gifts, she lied. BIG TIME.

They're expecting! The tazmanian cutie will be a big brother come August, and skype will officially be my best friend for the next 9 months.

What an amazing way to end a year for them. After a full year of going back to school to finish up his paramedic certification all while working double shifts on the rig, my brother in law, Mr. Safety extraordinaire will again be a proud papa. My sister, who has spent the entire year trying to keep the family in check and a full head of gorgeous red hair, soon to be a lovely mama of two!

An amazing and perfect way to cap off the day and year altogether. Congratulations to a family well deserving of beautiful bliss!

On top of this batch of news, I just got word that another friend and her husband have been directed down to the delivery ward and are getting ready to introduce their daughter into the world. Talk about Christmas Blessings indeed!

Courtesy of Google Images

"It's not you...it's me"

The wild card statement that is gut wrenching and makes you doubt and question everything. Last night, a friend called in absolute tears over an explosive breakup with her boyfriend.

They had been going together for a couple of years and were planning for all of their tomorrows. Until he met another person he fell hard for. In a state of distress, everything under the sun came up into our conversation.

How do you comfort a friend who is blaming herself for every "personal flaw' she believes caused the break up, the guilt of being a young single mother starting out their relationship. So I sat on my couch, both of us sipping the teas we made in between sobs and I tried to be as supportive as possible.

Trying to convince someone that they are an amazing individual capable of conquering the world and raising a beautiful baby girl is difficult when they are completely blindsided like this. She was having an incredible internal debate and by the end of part of the call, she started to feel better but underneath it all you could still hear her hesitation. That's when she dropped the bomb.

"It's because I'm fat." I could not even believe my ears, this girl, who is gorgeous is NOT fat, as if that even matters. When she had her baby, back in the time of personal training days, took to a consistent routine we worked out and we got her down to a svelte size that kept her feeling sexy and healthy as a newbie mother.

How is it, that during a time of massive emotional crisis, do we turn to our biggest or lowest self-esteem mode and rip it apart? We are given one body in this lifetime, why are we going to bash it to the ground because one person has decided the fit isn't perfect.

No, it's not because you're fat, it's because of the circumstances, the personalities, the differences and the similarities. Society has crafted us to believe that we should look a certain way, and if we don't then that's why we have failed relationships, addictions, instabilities, etc. I'm not sold on this, yes society has crafted a chain of thoughts and misguided ideas, but YOU crafted YOU.

Funny thing is, our boyfriends, husbands, partners and what not probably enjoy the thing that bothers you most. So if you're feeling that your lovely lady jigs (aka the love handles) are jabbing out too far, your man may take hold and steer you closer to his side by them. Because that's what he loves.

Who has the answers to any of this. My poor friend, she is battling something that only time will allow her to heal. Be true to you, all of you and stay positive. Every day is a blessing and if you're in need of a moment. Take it, but remember a few things to be grateful for. Maybe this is the universe opening up and telling her this relationship just wasn't meant to be? Maybe there is something bigger and better around the corner. It stinks and it hurts but all you can do is breathe and keep moving forward.

Always, here for you!