Carnage and a dream job

The other night a friend went on a text sending spree that was filled with pictures and food for thought while she was watching a bunch of hardcore ladies take the skating rink in a major bloodbath. The team. The Trampires. The concept apart from skating around a rink is yet to be understood.



Our texting conversation was ridiculous and went like this, her texts are bold mine are italic.

These bitches are badass. In my past life I was THE roller derby queen
Are they growling?
Hell no they’re screaming! I’m going to a garage sale next week. I need skates now.
Oh no go to a skating rink and get a used pair. They’ll stink and you could get the penned name Red StankOnYa
Do you think they would let me into their chain gang? One is pretty small but she’s good.
How good? Could you take her?
I could totally take her but I’d be afraid she’ll come back and whip me
I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing she’s a mean bitch.
Really mean, do you really think I could do it?
YES stop asking me, go fill out an application that is probably on the inside of their skates.

These texts went on until I think she forgot what a telephone was and got hooked on the skating carnage. The truth behind this is that she really could be a roller derby girl. I can vouch for this, she’s got the mouth of a trucker and has zero patience for stupidity or anyone who disagrees. Which is pretty much everyone.

Whether being a Lead Jammer appeals to you as your dream job, these outrageous texts were hilarious and made me think about some of the random ‘dream jobs’ I have had throughout the years.

Professional Taste Tester


Pinkberry takes this by a landslide. My biggest fear would be tasting something that is absolutely disgusting and reminds you of poo. Gross. Best thing that could come out of this, finding gold for your palette. I have a friend who is a food scientist and tests certain acidic levels in food. How interesting would that be.

Professional Makeup Artist


Seeing as I can hardly apply makeup properly on my own face now, I am so thankful this was not the chosen profession! Plus I’d make someone look like a tranny mess.

Professional Carnival Folk


Carnies. Good GOD. I just put this one out for laughs. Seriously, clowns terrify me. I have not been to a circus since I was a wee child and will never ever take my own children to them because of this intense fear. Traveling carnival folk-yeah not so much. I’m sure they’re nice as pie with bearded ladies and crazy tents of terror but this gal is saying Nay as being a dream job.

Really and truly my dream job was to become a Primary School Educator between third and sixth grade, I started studying for it only to pull another ‘blonde moment’ and switch majors to the arts. Strangely I’m working at getting back into university so a dream really can come true in due time.

These are mine, they’re not as glamorous as a Chicken Sexer (they determine the sex of chicken eggs), Diaper Scent Sniffer (they’re clean diapers!) or a Roller Derby Diva but they just are.

Did you have a job that you dreamt about day and night that would have been perfect for you?