Hamming it up

Oh no, there won’t be a recipe for honey baked hams here today. Today’s an off day. Instead it’s a recipe for a morning, nooner or late night action filled with shits and giggles by none other than the FDA approved and current television crush Jon Hamm.

Because sharing is caring.



Enjoy the day!

How to dress like a twin and make it look good

Girls Weekend has taken over the town like an early spring’s night dream. The hot spot restaurants have opened their doors and rolled out the red carpets for the local merchants and boutiques to spread the word of what is in store for Spring Fashion Trends. Suburbia style.

With this comes nights out to prepare for what’s in store, literally. Happy Hours beckon and reel you in with their $5 specials on cosmos (such a girlie drink but they’re so good, don’t hate!) and tasty nosh.

Last night with the kickoff for the weekend extravaganza I met up with some people to indulge before taking part in the festivities.

We met up at apparently the place to be on a Thursday night. This is a small yet prominant town. When you go out, you don’t go out in leggings and a Target tunic (check this one against, this girl lives in leggings and bargains). You (does not point in this general direction) go out in Prada and are in search for the next boy toy.

I have landed into the fiery pit that is known as Cougarville and their golden eyes were out last night, the peripheral vision, primal. While sipping my sparkling and very tasty beverage I could not help but notice that the bar was loaded to the brim with ladies who were on the prowl. We’re not talking non-obvious folks. We’re talking 95:5 ratio of women to men, some who have been sipping wine all day getting their nails manicured, leaving their husbands at home for the evening so they can de-stress with their women’s group to play bridge. This is what they tell their husbands.

Terrible, horrible, very truthful statement. And I apologize flat out for any lady out there that this may apply to. Not really. Quit the bridge club, divorce your husband and go have fun. Or, maybe don't cheat?

While sitting at the bar taking in this whole new eye adventure and walking trainwreck I saw another younger woman rush through the bar. This younger woman was wearing stripes. Similar stripes. Exactly the same striped tunic I had been wearing but in a different color.


Who Wore it Best?

Heat flooded my cheeks, I hate this. How does this happen? I am not a trendsetter but I like to follow a few trends and mash it up with my own sense of style. How am I in a bar and wearing the same clothes as someone? All of this running through my head until I hear my name being shouted at from behind.

It happens because we both spend time at the same store. It happens because people with similar style seek similar items. It happens with people you call friends. I turned around and immediately started laughing, what’s new. When in doubt. Laugh. There behind me was a friend in almost the exact outfit I donned as well.

Twins. To a lower case t.

A couple of men sat behind both of our tables and joined in our laughter because this could and only would happen during a weekend such as this. We immediately took a photo and sent it to our friend who owns the boutique we spend our days in and within minutes it got posted to the facebook business page. Which led to multiple comments. All of which led to more laughter and more ideas of how to not find embarrassment out of situations like this and turn it into something bigger and badder.

So here’s a few little tips if you find yourself in the same situation to make your outfit standout if you do happen to be standing next to your dressed up doppelganger.

1. If you’re wearing a longer tunic, knot one end high up on the hip and let the other side dangle. It creates an altered appeal to the top and will reveal more of the sheer slip underneath. (text tip #1 and I took it!)

2. Baby it’s cold outside…do you carry a neck warmer in your bag? Put it on, or better yet wrap it around a free wrist. But honestly, who carries these? (text tip #2 Fail.)

3. Is there a flower on the table? Take it and put it behind your ear. If that makes you feel like a klepto, do it anyways. Live on the edge.

Even though the fabric may be the same, every outfit is different if you make it unique. Lessons learned via text messages and Facebook comments. Social Media...Thank you!

Carnage and a dream job

The other night a friend went on a text sending spree that was filled with pictures and food for thought while she was watching a bunch of hardcore ladies take the skating rink in a major bloodbath. The team. The Trampires. The concept apart from skating around a rink is yet to be understood.



Our texting conversation was ridiculous and went like this, her texts are bold mine are italic.

These bitches are badass. In my past life I was THE roller derby queen
Are they growling?
Hell no they’re screaming! I’m going to a garage sale next week. I need skates now.
Oh no go to a skating rink and get a used pair. They’ll stink and you could get the penned name Red StankOnYa
Do you think they would let me into their chain gang? One is pretty small but she’s good.
How good? Could you take her?
I could totally take her but I’d be afraid she’ll come back and whip me
I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing she’s a mean bitch.
Really mean, do you really think I could do it?
YES stop asking me, go fill out an application that is probably on the inside of their skates.

These texts went on until I think she forgot what a telephone was and got hooked on the skating carnage. The truth behind this is that she really could be a roller derby girl. I can vouch for this, she’s got the mouth of a trucker and has zero patience for stupidity or anyone who disagrees. Which is pretty much everyone.

Whether being a Lead Jammer appeals to you as your dream job, these outrageous texts were hilarious and made me think about some of the random ‘dream jobs’ I have had throughout the years.

Professional Taste Tester


Pinkberry takes this by a landslide. My biggest fear would be tasting something that is absolutely disgusting and reminds you of poo. Gross. Best thing that could come out of this, finding gold for your palette. I have a friend who is a food scientist and tests certain acidic levels in food. How interesting would that be.

Professional Makeup Artist


Seeing as I can hardly apply makeup properly on my own face now, I am so thankful this was not the chosen profession! Plus I’d make someone look like a tranny mess.

Professional Carnival Folk


Carnies. Good GOD. I just put this one out for laughs. Seriously, clowns terrify me. I have not been to a circus since I was a wee child and will never ever take my own children to them because of this intense fear. Traveling carnival folk-yeah not so much. I’m sure they’re nice as pie with bearded ladies and crazy tents of terror but this gal is saying Nay as being a dream job.

Really and truly my dream job was to become a Primary School Educator between third and sixth grade, I started studying for it only to pull another ‘blonde moment’ and switch majors to the arts. Strangely I’m working at getting back into university so a dream really can come true in due time.

These are mine, they’re not as glamorous as a Chicken Sexer (they determine the sex of chicken eggs), Diaper Scent Sniffer (they’re clean diapers!) or a Roller Derby Diva but they just are.

Did you have a job that you dreamt about day and night that would have been perfect for you?

Home is where the heart is...or dress

Have you ever walked into your house, took a deep breath and knew you were home? Not just because you were surrounded by all of your belongings, burned a candle earlier that day so the room is filled with the aromatic scents of sparkling vanilla but felt so calm and relaxed. So at peace because as your heart swells, you know.

This is it.



This most definitely is NOT it, but I needed to get the shameless wall off of my chest and out for all to see.

Maybe it’s a sentimental piece of artwork made by a child or friend, a family portrait filled with a keepsake moment, or a ratty dog toy (stinks to high heaven) that just couldn’t be left behind.

When I was growing up, my family had these ridiculous family portraits taken at a glamour shots type of studio. All four of us were decked out in our best clothes; my Mom in a stunning dress. My Dad wearing a suit and tie, both my sister and I wearing dresses and pearls (thanks Mom!).

The icing on the cake-all four of us wearing a fake nose and moustache pair of glasses. Glamour con uglified. There was no shame in our household that’s for sure. Those photos were tacked out to the fullest. That year our family made Christmas ornaments with the pictures and gave them out to EVERYBODY known to man, family members and non-family members. Business associates and random grocery store clerks my parents were friends with. Outrageousness.



In the front room, the picture hung on the back wall for years until finally as a family we went back and took full glamour shots sans the glasses. That picture made the house feel like it was our home, it suited our eccentric family with our joking nature.

From the past several years up until now, there isn’t a single time when I walk into my flat (locations have changed) that I am not smiling. While the space is filled with furniture and a bunch of plants that really need to be outdoors, it’s a random picture that rests on the refridge that god willing will never leave the grip of a magnet. And if it does, it’s to be bronzed or placed in a scrapbook.

Several years ago my closest friend came to visit, if anyone knows the weather of the NW during the winter it’s predictably filled with rain and high winds for the most part. I lived in a scenic part of town and she wanted pictures from a lookout so we headed out before drinks. Unfortunately the wind came with us.

We were bundled up with scarves, hats, the works. But in dresses nonetheless. While taking a photograph with the city in tow, the wind struck and our dresses went right up around our hips. So while we’re trying our hardest to keep the dresses down, this random guy taking our photograph was trigger happy and greedily snapping pictures. With our dresses revealing everything to the fine city of Seattle. Lovely no?


Those poor women know the pain.

We managed to get one good picture taken that didn’t involve our dresses high and dry but it got over-ruled by one of the flasher photos. I don’t think we could have given that guy a better show if his life depended on it! That scandalous picture has traveled far and wide and is one that goes down in this blondie’s moments.

Without that in my home, it would feel different. Sure there would be things scattered about that are personal and filled with memories but that photo alone sums everything up. It was random, it was a fluke, it was something that could only have happened right then. It completes this home that travels around from city to city trying to find permanence (which hopefully almost has) and brings it all together.

Or Knot

Some things take your breath away while others just bring out the smile that you have been keeping hidden under some chapstick and a warm scarf.

In a hazy day that was nothing short of Prosecco, high spending and a lot of mixing up a wardrobe; my friend displayed a brand new collection of ties that are perfect for any honey. And what perfect timing than having Valentine’s Day seriously right around the corner. Though I am not a big person in feeling obligated to over indulge with Hallmark and Victoria Secret for this particular holiday simply because it’s “Valentine’s Day.” Any other day to get a gift from Victoria Secret is a-okay by me!

However, for this one I definitely would recommend this last minute gift idea simply because it’s pretty outrageous, worthy of a good laugh and definitely welcome in any bedroom. Va-va-voom.

It's time to introduce Lee Allison, the makers of men’s high fashion. A serious gem to any man’s wardrobe. Fashion or not, it is the little innuendo hidden inside of the silky material that can make a tie worthy to fit into any tie rack.

Repeat that one: Worthy to fit into Any.Tie.Rack.

There are two messages on the inside of the tie one at the bottom: Remove before sex. And one at the top where the knot connects together: Or knot.

How delightfully naughty!

While the majority of spending time in a store is devoted to helping people, there can be some downtime and of course I noticed the ties. Simply because out of a very feminine store, right at the entrance is a classic oak dresser that screams “Mad Men…Ad Man” with ties and other manly accessories including hats and leather gloves scattered about the top. It stood out and like any other looky loo, you will stop to take a gander.

I had seen the facebook updates and knew there were little messages but honestly had no clue that they would be hidden in just the right spot for someone to pull the tie off…or knot!



How would you ever notice this little confection? Lord knows after spending one too many times wandering the men’s aisles in Macy’s trying to pick out ties for previous boyfriends and guy friends you become familiar with the silky material but still. I can honestly say that this is NOT my favorite thing to purchase because men can be picky when it comes to dressing up the frontal views.

However, after seeing Lee Allison ties it is safe to say that it would be easy to muster up enough energy to pick out a snazzy little number to line up a man’s neckline.

Which of course, this got me thinking about neck ties and how long it took to figure out how to actually get the knot down pat. Growing up my Dad managed his own ties, god forbid anyone else got the idea of helping him. What a crazy man. Boyfriends, well this was in college and afterwards.

In high school…oh this is a period for serious shame and where the education was introduced: Tying a Knot 101. How many 'school daze' parties did you go to? Me-don’t ask because I have a lapse in memory from back in the day but I walked away becoming a pro at it.

Knowing this, there are quite a few different ways in tying a knot. Who knew right. The most referred to and very classic: four in hand knot, The Windsor knot and the Half Windsor. All equally simple and end with the same result. A snazzy looking knot at a man’s neck that is easy to pull apart.

Does tying a knot still make your teeth clench or are you a master pro at it? More importantly, do you enjoy hunting in the tie racks at a department store or do you actively seek out the employees for color assistance.

A little refresher on how to pull together a tie, because as a woman(speaking from personal experience), we are the go to to do this because our man likes to see us adding a little touch to his get-up.



PS….Lee Allison is Chicago based and has retailers all over the US and Canada. You can also purchase their lovelies online because these are pretty much the badass tie your man needs to have! Hello lover.

Coffee and kegels….or did you mean creamer?

There is an unwritten rule about what women talk about when several are gathered together and how loud or quiet for that matter our voices travel. The women’s toilets are the prime location for getting gossip. It goes the same for men say in the locker rooms or on the basketball court. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

My friend, whom is out conquering the fashion world has asked everyone close to her for a little help with her boutique. While she’s out doing her thing, myself along with a bunch of others have been volunteering time keeping the doors open trying to channel the inner salesperson within. To sell things because that is what shops are in business for.

But in all honesty, the time basically becomes Chatty Katty time the minute a patron leaves the storefront. I love it.

Love it so much that I keep going back for seconds, thirds, fourths….

I have no Drama.

Everyone that comes in has soap opera digest worthy drama.

So to make a day that much more interesting, I’ll stick around for a few extra minutes if someone starts talking to me. Because it’s hilarious to see these people getting frustrated over something ridiculously simple. Just say no folks, it’s that simple. And stop buying the Prada(Target and NYC, we’re still having an affair don’t you worry)!

You’re in a store with a bunch of clothes.

Um, I may be blonde but I’m not stupid. Let’s introduce the word association for the day. Networking.

(Note that this is nothing on blondes either just the bland stereotype that has been branded upon us and is fully embraced)

During one of my many “shifts” if you will, I was sitting on the couch with three other women chatting it up in between customers when we got on the subject of thighs. How it got there, don’t ask because I cannot even answer this one.

Not your average change in topics from jewelry but I’ll go with it, because this is the land of crazytown and obsessive personalities and general good times.
One of the women started giving me tips on how to thin out your thighs using a yoga block, which I’d never really consider walking around my house with one in between my legs but everything deserves a shot for consideration.

While she was trying to explain holding the block in place, and while we were sipping coffee (not wine or any liquor) she said excitedly, “It’s like working your kegels!”

Come again?

Did you just say like working my kegels? Oh yes, she really did say like working the kegels.

I died right there and can only thank god that there weren’t other people in the store because I have a hearty laugh and nothing could hold it back. The other girl working didn’t even laugh, she was paying more attention to her text messages than the conversation. Clearly she has no idea about her own sexuality. What in the hell!?! One mention of anything sinful and my ears perk up. It’s horrible, you’d think I was a man!

I started laughing hysterically and while sipping the last drops of my Americano I got the full jist of losing mere inches off of the inner thighs without hours of pilates. Without inner leg lifts. Without those wretched crab kicks. But with none other than a yoga block and my damn kegel muscles.

Thanks to that conversation, instead of thinking about certain activities and fluttering muscles I’m now thinking about my damn thighs and snapping those bad boys into narrow shape.

Embarrassingly I will admit this, because this is just words of nothingness and you can't see me blushing nor I can see you busting out the checkbook to see if you can add $14 into the weekly budget.

I’m going to try it out and test her theory. I’ll walk around my house like an idiot flexing the kegels fantasizing about thinner inner thighs instead of broad shouldered men and post an update in one month. Because that is what’s up.

Kegeltastic.

Per our lovely friends at Wikipedia, there are several positive forms of kegel exercises that benefit women and men. For example:

Did you know (this is TMI but who cares) kegels can help men achieve a stronger you know what when in the heat of things and gain greater control of losing the steam. Makes sense right.

For women, this is simple. It’s to gain control of our loosened pelvic muscles due to pregnancy and childbirth, obesity and aging.

Now for both, it can be great form of re-gaining control of an overactive bladder.

Can’t hold it for another five minutes to the train stop? Start flexing those muscles and building up some stamina.

So there you have it, a little laugh and a little knowledge on this fine day.

Hand Screened

Today I don’t have anything to really clean the closet out about so I guess that’s technically a good thing. But for good reading purposes, this epic dramathon can keep anyone company during this stretch of cabin fever.

Last night the clouds closed up shop and decided it was THE night for god only knows how much snow (somewhere around 20+inches). They made a very clear declaration to the land that I now call home and said this,

“Chicago it’s time that you got hit with this thing we like to call a natural apocalypse so we’re giving you a blizzard!”

…what a bummer I was wishing for the DQ too. Dairy Queen is closed for t minus 3 more months! (THANK GOD for Red Mango, where would a girl be without a little froyo??)

Stuck indoors, what do you do?

Skype with everyone you know? Check

Do a facial mask because let’s face it…this cold weather is chappin’ it up. Double Check

Watch a commercial that probably isn’t as funny but it really is deliciously enjoyable and with naughty intent. Oooh, yes please how did you ever know!

So for viewing pleasure, and if I was anywhere close to being an Executive I’d be checking out TheLadders.com for a little jobby placing like nobody’s business! They have the tools and guides to make us irresistable…but in what nature?



I really want to say the girl sliding across the piano and fluffing her hair is my fav but who am I kidding. The guy sliding and crawling back across the table totally takes me back to Little Miss Sunshine. Rawr!

Happy Hump Day to you!