Scorned much

Never one am I to sit and bawl my eyes out for an extended amount of time. Given the specific occasion and amount of Xanax, it’s all under control… I cry, mull whatever needs to be mulled over and move on for bigger and better things. The talk of men is a constant topic of conversation because I am single and mingle more than I care to admit. Dating is a natural part of my life right now. It may get run to the ground or laughed to high hell in conversations, but the stories of so many jackass (s) guys are others’ way of living through my embarrassment. Or laughter … we don’t have to put it down too harshly today!

As much as we want to not open up about things in fear of a jinx, it happened; I started talking with someone. We had been talking for a while as friends and right in the middle of phone calls and ongoing text messages, a little bit of warmth cradled my icy heart. Not so much icy, but more of a detoxed and oh-so-chilled heart indeed. With the way things were progressing with this person, it was easy to get ahead of myself. I mean, for someone who is calling you on Christmas, throughout your day, calling at an ungodly hour because they feel like hell and just want to hear you talk. How could you not?

I got ahead of myself. A phrase in the back of my mind that always stays there regardless of the optimism, ‘He’s just not that into you’ was silenced with this one. Despite his annoying antics of going missing for a few days, a week or whatever without a peep. Excuses flew out of my mouth with those absences, defending his time as busy. I got ahead of myself big-time. This guy had gone on the typical ‘hectic week, so you won’t hear from me’ lapses. I called, nothing. Text; again with the no responses. It seemed odd because before he would pick up quickly, but something wasn’t right for those attempts. When I saw a random picture and posting on Facebook, I knew that he was at least alive so I decided enough was enough. I’d give the guy a month, a month of me doing absolutely nothing to reach out to him in order to know where I stood and then delete him from everything if I didn’t hear a sound. Maybelline says I’m worth it, so it must be true.

A few drinks later and a surge of liquid confidence fueling me, I cracked a few weeks in, calling him and got nowhere yet again. Pushing aside that I can typically take the hint of when to let go, but with him it was different—or so I thought. Finally after coming to grips that this was all for nothing and a waste of time, I deleted every form of contact with him, bawled my eyes out and sent a final text before removing his phone number for good. We all need some kind of closure, I mean, I may have gotten ahead of myself yes; with him it was easy to do. It wasn’t some pining and crazy message, but more of a simple way to saying goodbye. It’s the girl in me and the good soul who hates doing wrong by someone even if I didn’t do anything at all.

Come to find out that on the day of romance, Valentine’s Day of all days … I was duped. Played by the master manipulator.

That guy, had been talking to multiple ladies—and I was one of them. Some unknown devil prodded me, and I can’t believe I’m admitting to looking at his profile, but I did. Shameful, I know—it was not my finest hour. As it turns out, another scorned lady pulled a Glenn Close on him and posted something that resonated deep. The same words I considered saying in a cryptic text, but am far too nice to say aloud. Surprise, surprise right? Deep down another bad boy that tried to appear as one of the good ones. Oddly, I’m not even bothered. What goes around comes around ten-fold. I know and believe this with every ounce of my body. He was another unwanted pick in the litter and is going straight to the trash. And that is okay.

So then where does this take me? Back to the drawing board, and on to the prospect of meeting someone new. It’s a highly laughable situation, and God only knows why I keep putting myself through some of these dating triangles, but with utmost certainty—this guy completely pulled me in and I, like many, fell for the kill. Despite all of the bullshit whether it be good or insane we go through with the excitement, the lust and definitely the heartache… it’s still a battlefield to tread lightly over until you’ve found a good and very safe ground. Tired of meddling, but still living each day with a take no prisoners mentality … this was merely one more experience to take in. One more guy to avoid. So until the next one rolls around, I’m dabbing on the glittery eye shadow and keeping on … keeping on.

Love is a battlefield, I certainly guess so. Thanks Pat Benatar for reminding me!

Whoops, I didn't see you there

Just three months ago, at the start of a new year we all make resolutions with utmost sincerity. Something to steer clear of and others to aim for. Putting the gym off seemed so much easier but putting dating off, that didn’t seem to happen even despite the rough cycle that is melting like a 7-Eleven slushee.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, the first quarter of the year has turned into speed dating 101. Normally I’d be getting huffy over the failed resolution but it’s actually been a little on the fun and highly educational side, if a little adventurous being tossed into the mix as well.

There’s been quite a few nights out that have taken me out of the typical comfort zone, given the chance of exploring a new area, skating falling in the heart of a park and sitting in a restaurant until almost three in the morning.

Some have been fun, awkward, friendship building; all of them have definitely been entertaining.

I’ve come to grips with the fact that this is the era where rather than a simple phone conversation has been replaced with a miniature text message. This still baffles me and like a natural, I rebel against this and because of that am still going back and forth with new picks of the litter.

Way back when there was a wakeup call with crazy hair, rumpled sheets and an empty house. That man, well he came back into the picture. Ever so slightly and definitely on a random chance encounter.

A couple of weeks ago my phone rang, while I was in the midst of the sending out umpteen resumes a day mode I answered automatically thinking the call would be a prospective employer.

It was the disappearing act. Calling months later, his number had been deleted and I honestly had no clue who was calling let alone had to have him repeat his name in order for it to register.

It registered with a foot in mouth statement that could only have come from yours truly.

Disappearing Act:….a whole lotta deep breaths and almost sputtering of words (I laughed because it sounded like a train wreck via telephone)

Me: ___ who? (this asked twice) Oh yeah, the disappearing act, I take it your meeting ran long and now you want a little mid morning snack. (sarcasm and me do not go hand in hand)

Disappearing Act: mumbling, a few curses and a whole lot of explaining.

We talked, I laughed him off and figured nothing of it until a happy hour rolled around that I had without thinking mentioned on the telephone when we spoke. Who none other than this man, the disappearing act shows up at the bar. Dressed to impress.

I was not impressed, surprised but not impressed. Maybe a little but he was still the DA in the back of my mind. He sat down with my group and within a short while we both moved away from everyone and sat in a different part of the bar.

Needless to say, it’s been a couple of weeks and I may not be speed dating but I have seen the DA more times than I care to admit.

He’s worth with a few laughs, a man of the minute, someone that will be if anything a distant memory. I am not serious about this man nor do I have any illusions due to a few ‘trust’ issues considering the track record but either way it’s safe to say that grooves are easy to get back and reclaim so long as you go in with an open mind and zero expectations.

Seeing this man, the DA, makes me remember exactly what I want and what I will not settle for. Which is kind of a double standard considering the fact that I’ve seen him after the whole debacle but he’s not the only person I’ll talk to and I can walk away from him whenever I want, this is not exclusive it is just what it is.

Passing time until I find whatever it is that is exactly right.

A relationship with a man in which a nickname or a number isn’t created for and who’s name can be remembered without having it repeated three times, but wait, remembering names isn't a strongpoint so maybe a nickname really is okay.

Until the next episode of the misadventures of the single life....

Texting Version 2.0

For the past month I have been going very slow with a new man and I cannot even stress how difficult this is. The track record is spotty so slow is a must. We started through emails with small banter that transitioned into exchanging telephone numbers. Just as the snowstorm hit, he started to send funny little text messages and we went back and forth with little laughs here and there. Nothing serious, nothing overly long and drawn out. I figured he was nervous about making a phone call and I certainly was not going to initiate. He sought me out.

He called and we talked for ages. He was funny, cute, we talked about everything and the conversation was comfortable for the most part. Afterward he sent a follow up text later that same evening and then again a couple of days later. I know with Valentine’s Day it is bound to make many men skittish and I added this into account as for the timing of beginning to talking on the phone.

It had been a week and nothing. No phones, no texts, no messages. Strange really because we talked daily, several times per day and to go from that to nothing caused a little unease to creep up and self doubt to take up residence yet again for a brief moment.

I tried not to be over-analytical. Kept busy by going out with friends, volunteering, but of course by the end of the night my eyes are checking out the phone. Looking to see if the red light is blinking indicating a new message or missed call.

By the end of a week of hearing nothing it made me consider my actions and I turned to my ‘consultants’ for some advice. My sister and brother in law have kept me grounded as far as men are concerned and stood by watching the wild boyfriend rollercoaster that I have been operating. They are the people that when you turn away from a disappearing act will tell you the exact moves that got you there and how to snap back into shape to avoid that business in the future.

Bless it because it’s good but it’s a real pain in the neck. Finally getting through our little video conferencing session I walked away with this.

Never put all eggs into one basket (common sense but sometimes we are blind)

Texting is lazy and this guy is probably shy. He wouldn’t have called and spoken for a length of time if he wasn’t interested and then text back later that same night. Consultant number 2 (brother in law)agreed on sending an email, not a text or a phone call after Valentine’s Day to say hi and see how he is. To quote him:“Valentine’s Day is intimidating ‘diki’ put yourself out there one more time and then wash your hands clean if he opts out.”

So this is what I did. I sent him a note and a day later received a text message that was a catch up of sorts. He had been texting but wasn't sure if I had been receiving any messages.

Positive: he responded. Interesting part and the part I don't understand. Though we are living in a very fast paced time why should it be so difficult to pick up a telephone if you don’t think messages are going through? Clearly I will answer but now I am reconsidering. I text him back something brief but said I was out with friends which was true and if he could call later. Receiving nothing back.

Whether or not our conversations were to ever lead into anything apart from what it is at now, time will only tell but this much I do know. Texting is an easy cop out. It takes more time to text message someone than it does to pick up a phone and say hello.

Yes I agree that it’s nice to see a little light flashing on my phone with a fun message but because this is so new in terms of talking to a new man I’d much rather have face to face contact that communicating through so many characters on an electronic device. Seems fair and reasonable.

Is this demanding? Does this make me a mega wattage high maintenance bitch. Absolutely not. It’s simple. Maybe this man is shy, maybe he’s taking it slower as well. For this I’ll go at his pace but am in no way shutting out the idea of meeting other new people. We're only 'talking.'

This is just a bump in the road and another check mark to be that much more aware of because I stopped that little piece of me for a week and was filled with a dip in doubt, but no more!

I’m purely a simple woman on a mission to living life with the heart on her sleeve and the happiness in her eyes.