Scorned much

Never one am I to sit and bawl my eyes out for an extended amount of time. Given the specific occasion and amount of Xanax, it’s all under control… I cry, mull whatever needs to be mulled over and move on for bigger and better things. The talk of men is a constant topic of conversation because I am single and mingle more than I care to admit. Dating is a natural part of my life right now. It may get run to the ground or laughed to high hell in conversations, but the stories of so many jackass (s) guys are others’ way of living through my embarrassment. Or laughter … we don’t have to put it down too harshly today!

As much as we want to not open up about things in fear of a jinx, it happened; I started talking with someone. We had been talking for a while as friends and right in the middle of phone calls and ongoing text messages, a little bit of warmth cradled my icy heart. Not so much icy, but more of a detoxed and oh-so-chilled heart indeed. With the way things were progressing with this person, it was easy to get ahead of myself. I mean, for someone who is calling you on Christmas, throughout your day, calling at an ungodly hour because they feel like hell and just want to hear you talk. How could you not?

I got ahead of myself. A phrase in the back of my mind that always stays there regardless of the optimism, ‘He’s just not that into you’ was silenced with this one. Despite his annoying antics of going missing for a few days, a week or whatever without a peep. Excuses flew out of my mouth with those absences, defending his time as busy. I got ahead of myself big-time. This guy had gone on the typical ‘hectic week, so you won’t hear from me’ lapses. I called, nothing. Text; again with the no responses. It seemed odd because before he would pick up quickly, but something wasn’t right for those attempts. When I saw a random picture and posting on Facebook, I knew that he was at least alive so I decided enough was enough. I’d give the guy a month, a month of me doing absolutely nothing to reach out to him in order to know where I stood and then delete him from everything if I didn’t hear a sound. Maybelline says I’m worth it, so it must be true.

A few drinks later and a surge of liquid confidence fueling me, I cracked a few weeks in, calling him and got nowhere yet again. Pushing aside that I can typically take the hint of when to let go, but with him it was different—or so I thought. Finally after coming to grips that this was all for nothing and a waste of time, I deleted every form of contact with him, bawled my eyes out and sent a final text before removing his phone number for good. We all need some kind of closure, I mean, I may have gotten ahead of myself yes; with him it was easy to do. It wasn’t some pining and crazy message, but more of a simple way to saying goodbye. It’s the girl in me and the good soul who hates doing wrong by someone even if I didn’t do anything at all.

Come to find out that on the day of romance, Valentine’s Day of all days … I was duped. Played by the master manipulator.

That guy, had been talking to multiple ladies—and I was one of them. Some unknown devil prodded me, and I can’t believe I’m admitting to looking at his profile, but I did. Shameful, I know—it was not my finest hour. As it turns out, another scorned lady pulled a Glenn Close on him and posted something that resonated deep. The same words I considered saying in a cryptic text, but am far too nice to say aloud. Surprise, surprise right? Deep down another bad boy that tried to appear as one of the good ones. Oddly, I’m not even bothered. What goes around comes around ten-fold. I know and believe this with every ounce of my body. He was another unwanted pick in the litter and is going straight to the trash. And that is okay.

So then where does this take me? Back to the drawing board, and on to the prospect of meeting someone new. It’s a highly laughable situation, and God only knows why I keep putting myself through some of these dating triangles, but with utmost certainty—this guy completely pulled me in and I, like many, fell for the kill. Despite all of the bullshit whether it be good or insane we go through with the excitement, the lust and definitely the heartache… it’s still a battlefield to tread lightly over until you’ve found a good and very safe ground. Tired of meddling, but still living each day with a take no prisoners mentality … this was merely one more experience to take in. One more guy to avoid. So until the next one rolls around, I’m dabbing on the glittery eye shadow and keeping on … keeping on.

Love is a battlefield, I certainly guess so. Thanks Pat Benatar for reminding me!

The break-up plan

With resolutions flying out of everyone’s mouth like the F word, it is almost inevitable to make a few changes. Why not start at the start of a calendar year and work your way onward. Day by day. Month by month. Or let’s face it, hour by hour.

Because honestly, if someone said give up text messaging--that alone would be on an hourly timeframe. Sadly I’ve hit that point where the phone is somewhat connected and calendars are filling. It’s a busy time.

Instead of creating these crazy lists about having to lose such and such amount of poundage and strut this body like Giselle. Or better yet, aim to save one million pennies for a down payment—or installment on property taxes. Pushing the holiday bulge and the budget aside, I’m mixing it up a bit this year.

A resolution (s) in the form of a break-up plan.

It’s easy. Painless. Completely guilt free. Hopefully.

We all have good habits and also bad habits that we tend to mull over more. This isn’t about mulling, or swearing to do something and letting it all fall to the backburner because the rebel in us says forget about it.

Resolutions tend to bug me in general because it strikes a red flag that somewhere in my mind gets short circuited and rather than saying, ‘Okay, we aren’t going to do that right?’ It’s says, ‘Forget that, that promise is moot-pass the wine.’

But I must digress that statement because that is just me. Some people are great with resolutions and that is fabulous.

For right now, because it’s not really a resolution it’s just a statement….I am breaking up with a few things because it needs to happen. It’s for a better day, a happier person. Or maybe it’s out of boredom because the morning is quiet and the sun is keeping me cheery. In any case, er goes.

DIET COKE – you are a bastard and god only knows how you have made it into my diet over the past few weeks. The sugary duds are bidding farewell.

JEANS – This is debatable. As much as I don’t wear you unless it’s a day for loafing, it’s time to keep to the leggings and dresses.

SNACKY TREATS – It’s about to get orange in here. Carrots are getting back on the plan. Cookies you are OUT.

WORK – I’m breaking up with YOU…as soon as a certain group has an offer--which is in the forecast.

BLACKBERRY – iphone or bust.

INNER-NOMAD – Building roots is far more important than moving on the fly. Please brain stop sending mixed visions of Manhattan and Toronto. Thanks much.

DRUNKEN CALL/TEXTS – I seriously doubt he thinks they are fun. Interesting, but not fun at 3am. And why do I answer them when they come my way? Either way—they are out.

….leaving the biggest for last

GIRLY BEHAVIOR [aka self-doubt] – This is being pitched on so many different levels. I am breaking up with eyeing of the telephone waiting for that message to come through. Texting him when he should be the one texting me. Forget that, I wouldn’t do that with a friend so I’m breaking up with that on edge feeling. He will call, as if we didn’t already know that. It's the behavior that I loathe most and cannot believe it has taken up shop in the recesses of my mind. But, as I am a woman--it was bound to happen at some point.

And so that is where it all lays out for now. A master plan that isn’t really a plan at all. It’s merely a statement of letting go. Letting go of a carbolicious drink that seriously needed the boot in the first place to set a reminder in my planner for messaging someone for getting the ball rolling with that job. Simple, silly little things that creep up and we don’t realize are a part of our daily routines. For now, it’s time to get on that detour curbing any inclinations to fall back to these habits and get on with it.

As I sit in jeans and riding boots. Hmm, fashion forward.

Cheers to a new year!

Happiness is a journey not a destination

With the year rapidly approaching an end and a new set of months filled with unknown possibilities is about to begin, it comes the time to sit back and sort of take in everything that has happened over the past three hundred and sixty five days. It’s almost when you say it out loud that you realize that is a lot of days of change, of happiness, sadness, excitement, frustration, advancement, travel….

This has been one of those years where sitting here now it is easy to look at life as anything but a journey. Each day filled with anything and everything that can only add to the beauty that is where a day can take us. There has been such stress on certain things that looking back now, is completely laughable. It created time wasted, weeks and even months filled with worry of personal upset or confused about how to move forward. Life and chance opportunities were masked in that worry. Some of the concern and hours of lost sleep turned into unexpected meetings with people, conversations of a lifetime and even a glance at how perfectly fitting and precious every single moment is.

Rather than being a time of reflection, it has been months of enlightenment. It’s funny how you know deep within your bones when something goes right. Every ounce of you tells you that once you have made a step in that direction, everything will work out.

So much is going on around that it is hard sometimes to take a step back and breathe. Taking a moment to soak in that breath of fresh air that fills your lungs with such joy and fulfillment. That is where today is. That is where I am right now. Which feels like a phrase that has been run to the ground, but it is the truth.

This year has been everything and then some. There have been so many ups and downs, but it is through each that a positive doubly outweighs the negatives. And there aren’t really any negatives at all, for they have all been part of the process. They may have been roadblocks at the time, but have done nothing but add depth to that day, to that moment. They have added a sense or level of character that is unmistakable.

As the days are passing, they do not seem like days anymore. They are merely parts to a puzzle that I am anxious to piece together when the time is right. For now, the pieces are all blending together on the carpet in front of a fireplace fully lit (yet still ornamental) like a sea of notes. They are the notes of a lifetime.

So from surviving a snowstorm that got a booty shakin’, listening to a calling and following the gut with a natural gift, to letting go and being free of any personal limitations; this has truly been a year. A year that wouldn’t get traded for anything. Sure there were days where I have to laugh and say, ‘what the fuck was I thinking?’ But in the end, it’s simple and easy. I was thinking…

‘it was pretty fucking hilarious at the time, so why the hell not?’

Cheers to your life, where you have gone and where you continue to go and grow within. Own what you do and where you are.

Ch-ch-ch-changes….

As much as I would love to start singing to my ever constant girl-crush of David Bowie, this is not that time. Nor is this the place for my voice to break any windows in the vicinity. For the first time in probably my whole life, the need to flee, runaway…move--is not pressing in. Usually every few months the urge to jet set and get away or start fresh begins to creep up my neck. It starts with the little notices in magazines or in television shows, my eyes pinpoint a destination and I crave to go. That craving turns to yearning, which turns into the impulse to get out of town. And move.

Why this happens, I honestly do not know. Maybe it stems from wanting to explore the world, maybe it’s a fear of staying in one place to actually build roots? Either way, this particular urge hasn’t hit me but others that lead up to it have. In one of the many daily reads, I came across an incredible article about how someone’s life changes drastically once they have made a serious life ‘alteration.’ I couldn’t help but see the truth in this statement. Since dropping everything and moving east, it has forced me to really break out and live according to the day. The moment.

After an incident the other night, something happened that felt like a splash of cold water in my face, waking me up from a deep haze I apparently had fallen into. Forcing me to really see someone. That spontaneous person who always challenged herself; the one who decided to bartend only because she wanted to learn how to make one specific cocktail. The same lady who gave up early education as a major and chose Cinema—just because.

I need a change. That rich trait is something that is so comforting, so near and dear to my soul. With the weather shifting into the winter months, there certainly can be no time wasted by sitting on my rump and baking cookies—despite how delicious they are. Well, that is an understatement. Baking cookies for a cookie exchange—well now that is completely okay in my books.

Yesterday, I called out of work. This is something I rarely ever do. Not because I was sick, but because I wanted to take the day and plan. Evaluate and Tackle. Music got turned on, the medusa wave didn’t get straightened, lululemon and I were best friends. As I was putting a picture away, crumpled up in the corner of a box was a sheet of paper that I had filled out years ago. On it was a running list of all the things I had been wanting to do. A wishlist.

I curled up on the floor next to my bed and skimmed through it and immediately started crying. -Buy Flowers weekly (done) -Send cards out to friends regularly (done) -Train for a marathon (done) -Move to Chicago or NYC (done) -Buy a flat in Paris (still wishing) -Get a Kitchenaid (done)

With the exception of about three (out of more than one hundred) everything was something that over the course of four years was accomplished. I stared in disbelief, shock and awe.

Where did that woman go? Who was always rushing to do something wild and crazy? She got drunk. But in all seriousness, reading that sheet of paper brought back that warm feeling that this lady needs a list. And that list is not getting crumpled up and tossed into a box like a time capsule. No, it’s going straight onto the calendar, or is being turned around into registration forms for classes on god only knows what.

Here I was slowly beginning to get nervous about the winter months and turning into a hermit, but that is not the case. These changes are coming hard and they’re coming fast, the days are getting filled with yoga and floral arrangement courses. Classes on how to do facial make-up so we don’t look like hot tranny messes to others that coach you through ‘Doing him, Dumping Him or Dating Him.’ Secretly, openly here, I’m excited for this one.

So in the light of Mr. Bowie, even though that song doesn’t even come close to meaning the same thing….I’m making some changes and getting some fun out of life.

I’m sexy and I know it…or at least with heels and lipstick I can be

It’s October, and the detox is officially over with a capital O. For the past several weeks I have been going back in forth between spending more time away from my house and out with friends or just clearing the mind and trying not to sulk. Or to be completely frank--wasting the night away sipping one too many cocktails and forgetting my own personality. Because it was about regrouping and finding something out of your comfort zone (s). And that personality, is me, but she was hurting and needed to get drunk and scream. And eat lots of gelato that is now making crunches so much fun.

It’s over, and god only knows I never thought these words would ever come out of my mouth. EVER. Everything is good, every day is filled and that is a sweet deal. Granted, this little period of getting back to ‘who you are’ felt like a refresher course for Calculus 405 in college, but still. It was needed for everything to be washed out of my confused mind. Which is the always present and never now ending theme.

And yet, here it is. The simple truths that are blinded behind everything and everyone around. They’re over, forgotten and forgiven.

Maybe it’s the fresh color on the hair, the tanned skin, or the red stilettos that seem to be attached to me right now because they scream ‘outrageousness is here.’ Whatever it is, it’s fully embraced and it’s about god damned time.

…or it could possibly be the writing that is amping everything up and building the excitement about potential freelancing. About penning someone else’s story which makes me not think and allows me to just go with the flow each and every single day. The chance of being able to quit a job that I do not enjoy and do something that feels right in my bones and makes my skin sing. I’m leaning toward the writing setting everything on fire. There’s no shame.

The other morning I went out for the day. Put on a cute dress, slapped on the purple heels and just went with it. Every day for the past few months, I’d been eyeing that dress, rolling my eyes at the shoes wondering why in the world it had not been worn in ages. Funk be bygones.

It’s understandable, and it happens. And you know what, you have to get over it. If you sit around and mope about it, time is still getting wasted and a chance at god only knows what could be slipping off in the distance. That dress was like a fire alarm going off inside of my head. This woman, she had partially joined the witness protection program. Though, not really because I’m not socially inverted and actually do go out, but things had been slipping off of the radar that are as much a part of me, as well anything else.

It was time. Time to clean out the wardrobe of clothes that hid a body that needed to shape up just a tad, dye the locks but steer from an emo-clad color and go with something a little on the sultry side. To wear the purple heels.

I feel like it’s been a serious complex of personal issues lately, and it has been because of reasons that will go unannounced on this forum. That’s for Dr. Drew to address and I’m still waiting for an available appointment. It is very hard to see all of the people around you and not judge yourself for your 'shortcomings' or acknowledging your accomplishments. Even so, breathing is easier today. It’s better than it was a year ago. It’s definitely easier than sixty five days ago and because of it, my heart is bigger and I’m saying adios to certain thoughts. Expectations that had quietly become my own. I’m saying goodbye to the lost hours and shouting a big hello to all of the time that lay in front.

So this is my last post on dating. On feeling down and out because honestly, a Kleenex and crappy made for TV movies can help this one. Crying with a box of sour patch kids in my lap and a crystal light stain on my lips. And taking a peripheral vision and turning it into tunnel vision and forgetting about the world that exists all around. A world that I am part of and am no longer missing out on.

Amen, to that.

One down, how many more to go

One year ago today, everything changed. From the land I had grown to know to the people I had grown up with.

One year ago, I made the journey of a lifetime and since that day everything has changed--ten fold.

It almost seems fitting that this time last year I was in Seattle for a very near and dear friend’s wedding. I had just sent all of my belongings off with a mover in San Francisco that could not speak a word of English and flown up to Seattle for a whirlwind weekend. Only to fly back on the only delayed flight and race like made to pack up my car and start the journey east.

Yes, it does seem fitting that this past week I had traveled back to Seattle to see that same friend who had gotten married, now fully pregnant and ready to give birth any day. It did seem fitting to tie up hardened ends with my family and try to put shattered pieces and bruised emotions back together.

This year has been the most challenging I have ever experienced. From moving so far out of my comfort zone, into an area where nobody is around where you can crash on a couch and cry your eyes out over the fact that the job market was still falling. Over the fact that you can’t figure out where a relationship went wrong, or just to pass out from debauchery activities.

While sitting on a creaky wooden bench out along the chilly Canadian waters of the Pacific, I sipped wine and finally took it all in. How these spontaneous moments hit us, still shocks me, but for this understanding it hit as the sun set and the pier lights went on.

This year has been a mean, gnarly, nasty bitch but I wouldn’t have had it either way. When I walked along the sidewalk leading up to Pike Place to get flowers-to then sitting and looking out at the mountains, I realized that life and each day happens regardless of our breakdowns.

Regardless of whether we go out on a Friday night.

Regardless of the fact that you hit the gym and are looking svelte or not.

Regardless of whether you decide to get out of bed to experience the day or not. It is up to you.

The year has taught me in more ways than one, that despite anything you can conquer any given situation. The choice is really yours, and that choice takes action.

This year, I have moved to an area where I knew nobody and now a year later it’s safe to say that I have a family close by. I have been taken in, invited into a whole new area of experiences that had I stayed in bed—would never have gone through with.

Like go to New York on a whim for a weekend. Walk a runway and let a friend dye my platinum blonde locks deep brown, decide to publish a ‘naughty’ story—and turn that idea into a full on career, watch friends grow in ‘reality’ fashion and get a full design perspective of material artwork, make friends that are strictly positive and give back just as much as they take.

I may have hit rock bottom, and it’s been a bitch to claw my way back up, but that’s the main point. Moving up, moving forward. Every day has brought some kind of crazy revelation, that more and more people keep laughing at me because I’m starting to sound like a broken record…but still—they know. I know.

Over the week, a friend had asked. ‘I wonder what it would be like if you stayed in San Francisco?’ I can’t answer that question, because I’ve come so far into just the right element that it would be hindering the step forward.

I don’t know where I would be, but I can guarantee that I sure as hell wouldn’t be living in a foggy apartment, listening to the constant screams of my neighbors above, let alone the planes that flew to SFO every five minutes from the North.

I do also know, that I wouldn’t be me. Right now, today. While waiting to meeting up with this good friend, I was in a bookstore and for some reason I was directed to this one book. It was strange, but I didn’t fight the guide. I walked over and in an hour I finished this book, I related to every part of it. Every thought, every action, every shift in emotion moves us. Of course it was a self improvement book, because lord knows when you’re flying back to see your new nephew and meet up with a pregnant friend….you’re going to get broody and wonder. What the hell happened with me?

The book resonated in every word, life happened with me. A different type of life that may not work for the person next to me, for the person standing across the hallway, but it has come together for me. Sure there are hard times, but those hard times have crafted a better understanding, created another opening and opportunity for something different.

This is a good place to be. This is where I am successful right now, in happiness, in relationships, in life. It’s just right-who knew all that would happen in a year.

Grabbing a bull by its horns with a leaking black pen

There are some days where I feel as if I am planning for something more than I am actually doing things. Then there are other days where I am living minute by minute thinking to myself, 'What plan?'

I don't really know what exactly it is, or why I do this but somewhere every couple of weeks, months or yearly I stalk out a park or coffee shop, sit with an ulcer induced cup of potent coffee and start evaluating. Call it boredom, self critiquing, whatever it is, its a distraction.

A pro and con list for major aspects gets written up and from there (and a pot of coffee) a game plan is devised.

The yearlies have always resulted in relocations, which thankfully that itch is nowhere near a place to be scratched. All others fall in the likes of anything else in the means of self improvement and releasing any ties of holding negative thoughts and wishes, I chose to spend a day doing just this.

After several hours in, and mindless writing I stared blankly at the lists and noticed much repetition. There was a common theme, and after snapping out of a caffeine induced coma I breathed in a deep sigh and dug out a fresh piece of paper only to go nowhere.

The theme is bold, and so very typical.

Things are not as they seem, well how can I turn them around so all objectives are beneficial. How can these things be all that they seem and more.

How can I get them done. Its time to get 'er done.

Its finally beginning to feel like Spring in the area so every night after work I'm walking along the river and maybe venturing out to the prairies to jog (run Morgan run...on flat surfaces). Let's get physical...again!

Work is not what it was cracked out to be and settling just isn't going to fly. I want the city so that's what I'm going to get. Let the job search commence yet again.

Self publication is the means for now, and with that means getting passed the worry and actually publish out independently. A personal deadline was created and its really going to happen. Its time to invest in photoshop for graphic design help-shit.

Fitness, cooking, art etc classes are going to be this girls best friend for the next several months until I figure financing a Masters Program. I like the friends I've made thus far but know more are always welcome. And why not learn something along the way.

I want to be courted for a change and with that means I've got to step up and step out more than I already do. The online jag failed epicly by distractions. Emotionally I was miserable and needed to clear the air. That and I was all too focused about turning thirty and being SCH: single, childless and a non-homeowner. All that still looms but is not as strong, I'm going about each day being my normal carefree self and am living without forcing.

I'm tired of waiting and am taking matters into my own hands as it always should have been, always has been but slipped slightly. There's no real plan at all, looking back at previous 'plans' they've all come through almost brilliantly but were too precise. Too methodical, for this its just about keeping busy, keeping away from nagging thoughts and just breathing.

Is it May already?

It's a pretty silent Sunday here, one that has the sun shining (despite the raging meteorologist predictions of rain)and a day to be spent with a head held high and plans in getting things done is well in order.

Keeping this one short and sweet, get out and pick some flowers if you can, buy a bouquet and relax. Because it's Sunday. Because it's May. Because you can.



Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour onto others without getting a few drops on yourself
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy May Day

Does this dress make my ass look big?

A weekend that was shorter than a yellow bus and a single machiatto but filled with outings that were longer than the nile river.

I noticed while running in stilettos to catch a train the other night that preparing for a night out these days are far different than yesterday.

When spending two hours taming a mane seemed all the normal, tossing on a beanie while rushing to make a reservation replaced style and seemed all the more sensible.

Riding the train felt like sitting amidst the confines of an old friend. The city.

My first love away from the love.

A love that runs true and deep and never fades.

A place that welcomes any visitor and extends solace around every city block, across each bridge, within each establishment.

Meeting a new group of people for a night out can make you hold reservations, what do you wear? How do you fix your hair and makeup? Leggings or dresses?

Sitting on the train, passing through each stop I didn't even reapply any makeup nor change from the dress worn for work. When getting ready for a night out used to take hours this night, this weekend of nights got overlooked and I went back to the basics.

Natural beauty bred through an innate sense of confidence. Through the knowledge that you are who you are, beauty products can add to the vibrancy but its the radiant glow of a winning personality and the 'all that you are is all that's necessary' that is all the makeup you need.

Common sense in blatant form, Maybe it was the group I was meeting with or this fire blazing within. Either way the hours before stepping out to pump up the volume were left in the dust. Is this new hair creating a new take on things?

Is the dark hue my very own 'sasha fierce?'

No.

Getting ready was just something to do and I'm not a person who does things to prove myself but there's no denying that these changes fluttering about are shifting outlooks and re adjusting into new processes.

I love the now phone calls to friends for advice on outfits before dates, singing alongside Adele as I'm applying eye shadow and lathering lotion to ensure the ease of the silver bangles on each wrist because I like putting it all together. But also toning it down because deep down its all about the words that fall from our lips that is what's important.

Saturday night gave me a few hours for primping and I took advantage of it. The minute I started walking to the restaurant the wind hit and all that prep time drifted out along the lake right alongside the lake effect. My hair lost its curl.

While crossing my legs my heel stabbed the tights puncturing a whole the size of Texas and the group was all in jeans and t-shirts.

Was it a sign to go out normally and have things be what they are?

While the short dress may have made my ass worthy of a million dollar insurance policy, I'd take walking along the streets in those incredibly uncomfortable shoes smiling with the wind and the random passersby (s) feeling good in whatever regardless of spending 5 hours primping to 5 seconds smearing on some lipstick lopsided as the train stopped anyday.

Because it doesn't matter. So what if your ass looks fat or your breasts aren't pushed up far enough with that new bra.

All that matters is what you're feeling in that moment. Sweatpants or Prada pick your poison.

When a conversation changes everything

There are few times when you can walk away from a chance meeting with someone and feel that while words were spoken and thoughts verbalized a door had been opened and you were exposed to everything that had eluded you for so long.

Walking along the streets last night with a group of people, this group that feel universal from this lifetime and the previous, I wound up staggering behind for a few minutes.

Taking in the antibiotics…and feeling the lethargy and that terrible swelling (that could have been from the stilettos!)

The true beauty of stone architecture that crafted several buildings along Michigan Avenue

The chilly night winds blanketed with a hint of the first warmth of spring

..and of course the conversation that changed everything.

While crossing multiple city blocks in search of a restaurant I fell into step with a designer’s husband and am without words this morning to the amount of gratitude this man has bestowed upon. Our conversation began as simple banter about nationalities and ancestral history and wound up to astrological history fueled by hearty laughter and an invitation for wanting more conversations.

As one restaurant to the next had waiting lists longer than the Superbowl ticket hubs I found myself captivated by this man and his story of creating something out of nothing but passion and living a life he once thought was the life to live. Only to have it all change in a single second. The chill of the night didn’t even pass through my sweater as he was telling me about how he and his wife met and the fact that their love is so apparent it could never be questioned. Compassion radiated from his eyes, vibrated from his voice and brought tears to my eyes.

Ambition filled his days and kept his purse padded, he swore against certain parts of life that others embarked on and he struggled or thought was needed. Ultimately he was living a life that was great but like using half of our brain, it was only half. It wasn’t until a chance encounter happened with him did his door open and a lifetime of chances and opportunities he never expected nor dreamed could happen, has happened and continues to happen on a general basis.

Always there for other people regardless of circumstances, I am the last person to ask for help, and will fight until the bitter end to make something work. For months I have secretly been asking for help, for guidance, for something to help ease this engrained fear that is inappropriately out of place. Yesterday and especially last night was everything anyone could ever ask for in terms of a personal present.

Having the opportunity on that stretch of pavement makes everything worth seem worth it. The moves, the juggles, the battles and the struggles. Knowing the group, and now this amazing couple, there is a tranquil pull deep inside that I am beginning to understand that they possess. Something that I posses as well and what has drawn me to them and them to me.

Accomplishments conquer the obstacles because had they not, this would not be a clear day. Last night would not have meant the same thing and everything would still be wrapped tightly in a grey cloud. Today there is new meaning, and that has been said before but it was said under a blind eye. Last night, just taking in everything from a phone call driving into the city, walking with the designer’s husband to dinner with friends had a purpose. There is peace with where today is and that is pretty wonderful.

Sinking In

There are some people that believe that everything happens for a reason.
Signs or a passing of something on a street that just so happens to match the exact mode of what you are thinking. What you are asking for in terms of guidance or even some things that happen and are pointing you into a direction that you had not even given a glimmer of thought to.

And then like a flash of lightning, or an ‘ah ha’ moment something solid, a pattern, a statement or something laid out in front of you smacks you square in the face. It snaps your eyes open and forces you to pay attention to whatever those thoughts were and to possibly turn them into a reality.

I have been focusing on so many underlining factors that these little signs have been flagging themselves outright and yet have gone overlooked. Noticed but overlooked.

Six months ago I would have said there were no signs indicating where I am sitting at this very moment. Six months ago I would have said I gave up on listening to those signs simply because they were jaded and misguided, or maybe I was just angry with myself because things were not working out and I wasn’t sure how to get out of a rut.

When really I focused almost too intensely on those little signs hearing the outlining but never the real core of the message behind the meaning. Oh those signs were happening for a reason.

They were symbols of warning initially but eventually leading to something that was bound to be larger than ever expected.

I believe that when you are in the right place at exactly the right time you know it in your heart of hearts. There is a feeling that fills you that cannot be explained. It’s strange but all you can say to yourself or to the people around you who think you have lost your mind.

I know this is right, I just do.

Times have been so incredibly difficult over these months that swept through and should have felt like a week passed by when in reality it feels like three years have swept by. They have crept through at a snails pace and that is okay.

Things are beginning to fall into place in certain aspects but really everything has been piecing itself together and creating a foundation that is rock solid.

For once in my entire life, and this sounds craziest of all, there is a calmness about today. There is an absolute peace with an abundance of gratitude and grace that guides into the minutes and hours.

Finally after hitting that head/breaking point it almost feels like all that has happened was a test of survival, of endurance. To notice that tactics have changed is more than uplifting but is also exciting and causing this deep breath of fresh air that cannot be faltered or lessened.

I don’t know where I am going with this and can only laugh that this all sounds like a Dear Abby letter on xanax, all I know is that this morning I woke up, got out of bed and felt free.

All of the moments of fear, trepidation, pleasure and anticipation got me here to this desk this morning. To this place in life to find permanence and it’s finally sinking in that I have found permanence in my soul.

I think I’ll buy the flowers

For as long as I can remember there have always been flowers scattered around the home that I have been in. The scent filling a room or drifting down a hallway while the splashes of color adding an element of something unexpected in an ordinary room making it extraordinary.

My mind has been filled to the brim with constant clutter, the switch to turn off has been duct taped twice over to the point where even walking along the river couldn’t calm the thoughts. Thoughts that worry, excite, trouble and motivate.

While walking through the market the floral section and bundles of bouquets immediately grabbed my attention and the clutter was quieted almost instantly. It was like something deep inside released a grip and a long and oh so deep breath was allowed through.

All thoughts that I had been focusing on were a constant fixture yes but the flowers were telling me something so clear. So fundamental that I should have seen all along.

Nothing is permanent, it doesn’t matter what happens yesterday tomorrow is still undecided.

The flowers are simply cut, wrapped and waiting to be placed in a glass filled with water. So it can bloom for another day. There are no yesterdays of growing in the deep milled soil there is only the hydration of right now and the possibility of another day.

Sitting here with the overhang of grey clouds and a possible storm coming on, my house is filled with a warmth that has been missing for weeks. For fear of veering from a budget I stopped this simple pleasure that clearly wasn’t a pleasure. It was as much a part of my structure as the air we breathe. The clutter that has crafted two hour nights of sleep and days wasted on worry feel like a distant memory, the good that has happened over several months has been overlooked.

This has been an eventful week filled with so many unexpected invitations to meet up with friends that I am lucky to have. Friends that have become family in a sense that are there for you no matter what. Call on you when things are at the highest or lowest. Friends that know you would do the same for them.

Offers for work that three months ago seemed as if it was never going to happen and yet they came pouring in. The community that I live in is very tight, the town is smaller and yet people band together. It is filled with serving the greater good for people of all sorts and to get involved with this would have been a dream. It is no longer a dream, but a reality as a new week starts with a new venture.

Opportunities from friends and acquaintances, tossed in your direction when you least expect them, showing how you make an impact on someone else’s life without even knowing it. Every smile, laugh, conversation can turn into anything you want it to be and more.

It would seem unfair to give into the cluttered thoughts. The flowers are the reminder for switching those thoughts off. As the warmth fills your heart, to remember all of the things whether they be large or small, the point is to remember everything that has given us appreciation, happiness, peace and relaxation.

This is all more so a bunch of rambling words and I'm feeling a tad on the emotional side because for once things are really looking up and proving that this is the time. This is the place.

But for a Sunday it seems all the more perfect to let this confection claim its spot. Doors are opening, the sun is rising earlier and more flowers are beginning to bloom and for this day there are hydrangeas in my front room.

You are

You are an open soul
A melding of passion and spirit
Of hope and triumphant truths

You are beautiful in this sense
A sagacity that engages and welcomes

Your beauty is transparent and shines with every breath
Through commotion it never falters but expands with the wind

Your heart is unlocked and beats harmonically with each step
It beats without fear but with hope

Through your open soul there are a thousand joys
These joys shape and create the warm heart
Your kindness spreads this warmth and creates the passion

You are everything you knew you could be

{Courtesy of Google}

A little something different for this Friday after a few days of clearing the mind, body and soul. Have a lovely day and remember you are worth it, even if it means taking a nibble out of that chocolate bar!

Dear Twenties....

It’s coming, time is not stopping and what has been viewed as the apocalypse for women, atleast this woman is about to happen. Here lies at the end of this month the end of a decade filled with prime experiences and the start to a fresh and new period. [Grab some coffee and pop a xanax because it’s about to get philosophical.]

Dear Twenties,

We’ve been together for a decade now and the time is approaching for us to sever our ties and move on. While we’ve been together for so long it’s going to be a difficult separation because we’ve been through a lot and thought I was comfortable with but realized that I’ve outgrown you and it’s time you live a life without me. You need to let me go.

When we first met we were breaking out of comfort zones trying to find ourselves with friends we thought were there for us but in turn were there for trips to Canada, times spent away from what was important and spent on partying and getting lost in a sea of being numb. You showed me that every day is different from the next and when the sun rises so does our soul and with that got me back on track and back in the right direction. Tossing aside hard parties, bad boys and reeled in history books and college applications for a place that will always be home. A place that you knew was as much a part of me as the hair on my head.

While at university we moved away for the first time and knew we could do it. We could find, have and really know what it meant to experience fun. We met friends that became family and opened new doors to seeing the world through clear eyes. We traveled the world and discovered that life is more than a grey cubicle and can be anything we really and truly want.

The last few years have passed by with the blink of an eye but have been nothing short of noteworthy. We’ve seen births, deaths, engagements and divorces. We’ve had surprises that have turned into letdowns but ultimately they’ve told us everything we need to know, we weren’t ready for what is about to come. Moves have brought us strength, breakups have brought us independence and a search for nothing perfect but something comfortable and fitting.

We’ve accomplished a lot more than what could have been expected and I am thankful for your support but I must leave you now in order to move forward. No I’m not going to start wearing mumus and get gray hairs and if I do I have a colorist who can fix that snarky little problem in no time. It’s time for a change and that time is now. So I’m going to walk away and not look back, because it’s for the best for both of us. I love you and will never forget you. Thank you for all of the memories.

Morgan

In twenty nine days I will be leaving my twenties behind and heading into the big bright shining star that is the big THREE OH.

Is there anything that I can’t do that hasn’t been done during the past ten years? Apart from getting drunk in school girl uniforms, cage dancing, random encounters with Scottish futbol players, international travel, and a whole lot of moves sandwiched in between? I’d like to think not.

The years have mostly been filled with moments of self discovery and exploring different extremes to see what paths they lead to. They have taken me to such locations I’d never dreamed about had I not dared to believe and trust what could be.

It has been a period for growing up, a phase for maturing. Of course growing up I had created visions of what things would look like, how they could turn and needless to say. Those were only pipe dreams, fun to have in memory but reality hits.

After putting off university because a party personality had taken over and having to explain to patients while checking them in that getting a tongue piercing was ‘the thing to do’ I made the wisest decision of my life. Grow up and get a damn education.

When you catch yourself looking around second guessing if you’re ever going to be something rather than a medical receptionist working 14 hour days it’s time to make a decision. University was just that, I stopped partying. Took out the tongue ring, but got another tattoo to replace it and enrolled in extra classes at the local community college. I tossed out the party girl and never looked back. Which lead to endless opportunities and countless prospects.

In giving thanks, Thank you for the countless times hairstyles and clothes got tossed through the air like candy wrappers. For the cautious reminders that mixed drinks are not a viable option on nights out but shots of tequila will go down like water. For the many men that have come and gone and taught me things that I probably don’t need to know but am certainly glad I do know because there is a reason they’re still not hanging around.

Mostly, thank you for the 3,652 days that have been filled with ups and down, sunshine and snow and experiences that I would never trade nor regret for this lifetime or the next.

It has taken twenty nine years and 336 days to finally get over the anxiety when that should have been replaced with a little excitement or at least eased with some expensive champagne. I can’t help but think that turning 30 is basically like turning twenty all over again. It’s a new time only this time I’m looking at this through clearer eyes that are steady and unafraid. There’s more anticipation to see what can happen and how I can make it happen.

Birthdays have never been a big deal and I don’t plan to change that up this year, but I will go into this new period without any expectations. Without creating an elaborate vision of what could be and just experience it for what it is and keep doing things that bring a smile to the face. I’m opening my mind and heart to this new time and think it couldn’t have been a better time to turn into this new age.

Finally the smoke starts to clear

Fat Man Pants.Check. Fluffy Robe and clean duvee. Double Check.A cupboard rummaged to the very nillies for carbolicious treats and every single coffee bean.Ugh, this week has been just that. Triple checked as one done for the year.



Fat man pants
Your loveable frienemy. They hide everything from a little bloating to that extra doughy goodness that was scarfed at the third breakfast for the day. All at the same time providing comfort in baggy style.

Robie Robe Robe
If this piece of fabric could be converted into square footage, I would gladly endorse and provide directions on how someone’s body can find a sweet new home. (PJ Salvage-is a must own. And apparently Jersey Shore approved go figure)

Carb-delicious
When do we crave bad things…when things are bad. Openly admitting that I did not indulge in the carbs this week. However, and this is a rather large however. I was given champagne and we snuck off for a weeklong getaway together.

Four little words that hide in the smallest of crevices in our mind and pop out when expected but secretly we inwardly flinch whenever they expose their dirty dispositions.

Everything is not alright. The bearer of unwanted sleepless nights, a lack of appetite, refusal of telephone calls and many other things that steal our normal thoughts and place them in a place fueled by worry. By doubt. By fear and secrecy.

I believe that we go through things even if they take us to our darkest hour for a reason. A friend made an excellent point by saying that it is when we are at our ‘lowest’ or ‘hardest’ of places do our minds open up and we can then ‘see’ what we didn’t want to before.

I am not myself and that is not alright. Over the past few months I have increasingly become distant with some that I am close with for reasons that are common and yet embarrassing to admit. I did not want anyone to know that I was nervous about where I am at in life or where things stand. That I have no clue if I made the right decisions, where do I go, do I go it alone. In their eyes, I feared they would be thinking that this was just another way for me to muck up and remain outside of their standards. And so I put up a fake front covering up this discomfort.

Why I even care about the thoughts of other people is quite foreign however my mind is playing dirty little tricks and secretly (openly in this forum) I care immensely. Because I feel that my reasons for being distant are definitely selfish but done involuntarily in a sense of trying to figure out a personal path in life that will get me to their same standards. This topic is not new, and is constantly on my mind so this is sort of a repeated bunch of nonsense.

As I was curled up on the couch in my very own fat man pants I got a phone call from my friend who asked me to come to her store for a bit, was it a sign? Did she know I was stressing out and feeling like I could talk to no one? Yes and after several hours I left her shop and the smoke screen began to lift.

This time of the unknown is a prime period. As terrifying as that sounds, it is a period that I have been stripped of known structure and given control to an undeniable force that is hopefully guiding into something that is fundamentally meant to be. For as long as I can note, I have worked desperately to get by and have been unhappy through the entire process. Over the past several months I have been lucky in more ways than one and am able to see this through the darkest hour.

I moved to a city without knowing a soul, stepped out on a fluke and was embraced immediately by a group I am fortunate to call friends. The Real Housewives…I’m a bonafide member of the crazies only sans the housewife part for now. Brushing up the wine goblets and fully onboard the dirty hot mess train! Toot toot.

The job aspect has been a royal, stress inducing pain in the neck but as I think things over there is a reason things have not worked themselves out quite yet.

Men, sweet jesus, but again there is a reason things have not worked out yet.

What it all comes down to is that life is filled with challenges. There’s never an easy route and even if you think someone has it better than you, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you continue living your life how and whichever way makes you happiest.

I lost sight of this over the course of the week, in the absence [phones, internet, etc.] time was replaced with the comfort of truthful and healthy insight.

This sort of openness to vulnerability was something I needed experience in order to understand the real depth of everything that makes me whole as a person. A woman that can get through this rough spell and remain as amazing, desirable, happy, loveable, equal, laughable, excited, emphatic and at peace as ever.

It’s a doozy and hopefully the last of these snarky deep rooted ones. To make a convoluted story short. Hard times are a serious bitch and will sneak up but they will always pass just as fast.

Getting that familiar itch

It’s starting, I can feel it. That itch to go somewhere, to see people that haven’t been seen in weeks, months, or longer. To have the conversations and belly laughs apart from our phone chats.

I started packing away a few photographs and cards in a box reserved for just that. Memories. Visual memories and took a few minutes to look through the many pictures that have been taken on various journeys, weekend getaways and life changing treks that I am most thankful for.



Between each photograph comes a smile, a fond memory of what took place. A reminder of why anyone would ever cart around a cellophane wrapped biscuit to see if it could survive a backpacking trip(truth, we did and "he" survived). The different levels of one particular building while climbing the heights of the London Eye. Front and back seat shots while being toted around by a friendly cabby named Ron. Random before and after food pictures, as if we didn’t know where it would end up!

The cards are something else entirely. Birthdays, holidays, cards just to say hello we miss you. It is in the words inside of the paper that bring warmth to my insides and brings a gratefulness that is immeasurable.

I am getting that itch. That tickling feeling that nips and tugs at you when you least expect it. It makes you begin daydreaming about places you have wanted to go to, places you ache to touch with the pads of your fingertips. Places new and old. Uh oh.



This feeling happens a couple of times per year and is increasingly getting stronger as the winter chill and frigid temperatures are making it gradually more difficult to escape anywhere other than a coffee shop on a daily basis.

So in the interim of scouring enough to make the jaunt across the pond, I'll pretend my little snowy abode is a mini Aspen and a wintery village. While I’m following up with emails, sipping coffee waiting for this season to pass I’ll dream about warm beaches and sexy accents while using a tanning bed thinking it's the sandy beaches on the South of France. All while sipping sparkling sangria!

Sparkling Sangria
Ingredios
1 cup brandy
1/2 cup orange liqueur
1/4 cup sugar, super fine
1 orange, thinly sliced
1 pint raspberries
1 lime, thinly sliced
1 lemon, thinly sliced
2 bottles sparkling wine or cava, chilled

Directions
In a large pitcher, combine the brandy, and orange liqueur. Pour in the sugar, stir or shake the pitcher thoroughly to mix until the sugar dissolves. Add all the fruit at once. Add the cava and serve as is or on ice

On a side note, there has been a new addition to the sidebar from the very lovely busy bees at blip.fm. After several emails and serious consideration I have decided to get back onto the grid within certain social networks. Which means that one will automatically feed into a twitter account. Something I vowed not to do but don’t want to lose track of those who have stuck with me during this “hiatus” so to speak and have asked for a revival.

Welcome to getting back on the grid. You can find me at blip and twitter under:
@blondiemoments.

Realizing there is a type and deciding to say goodbye to it

I am apologizing up front. Today is deep so grab your sweats and Valentine’s Day chocolate boxes-because you know you already have them!

As I am going through this process of getting back into the dating scene to establish a new part of my life I am feeling a little less inspired. Almost to the point that I am putting too much effort into something and potentially pushing it away at a rapid pace as opposed to attracting it into my life.

This foreign lack of confidence is merely stemming off of feeling like I missed something, a step maybe or a movement of one’s body. Over the weekend I ended up meeting up with Romeo #994 and while we enjoyed ourselves for a light evening out, it wasn’t until the end that I found the true intentions.

It’s natural to look out for warning signs, to be aware of our surroundings, postures, gestures, the statements that could possibly deter from what the expected initially was. I did not see this coming and am in absolute denial, and yet.

As hard as I would like to deny that I don’t gravitate to a specific type of man, that is a lie. This man was close to the molding, and when he asked to walk me back to my car not for the slightest moment did I think anything badly. The date, this date was merely only a condition for going home with him of which I declined. When he asked the question, I felt depleted as if I had done something terribly wrong.

With him but more so within myself.

Where are these troubles coming from? I am a decent person living out a very healthy and balanced daily life and yet there are uncertainties that are draining me of being truly happy. Driving back to my flat I replayed all of our conversations, analyzed the dates. And this is when I finally understood. It's me.

I am making me unhappy and am not giving everything I can to something. Somewhere deep down I am telling myself that I am not good enough for someone else’s love or affection and that is being exposed to the people around me. Therefore it is attracting this type of behavior, the short term that I have accepted in the past but refuse to accept now. Because it’s not worth it. Because I am good enough.

I am sure there is more to this man and I am not seeing or am not supposed to see because we are not fitting together at this exact point in time. Since our date I haven’t heard from him nor have I tried to reach out as I don’t really know if that’s my place. I like him but I don’t want to be viewed as a take home kind of woman. There is a positive out of this, I am thankful for getting excited about him and dancing around my flat because that keeps the spark alive knowing the bubble of something great is still inside of me.

Does this call for an emotional detox to re-evaluate and get back into that frame of mind in order to attract others that are like-minded? A certain favorite reality TV bombshell says yes.

I wouldn’t like to think that this step is necessary because I feel fine, I don’t feel completely drained but more like I have let myself down in an area that I can’t seem to climb to the top yet. It’s the Mt. Everest of my life right now.

It is unhealthy to have this sort of hang-up looming over my head for reasons known but unsure of. I still believe that things happen naturally and my emotions are certainly part of this so I must take a moment to really get back into that place where there is real confidence and an immense value on true happiness in everything that I am a part of.

The adventures of dating that completely take us by surprise but ultimately are an informal way of making us look at ourselves from outside of the box.

Enough for now, I’m done with this box of chocolates it’s making for a sugary lipstick.

It’s time to do the laundry

I’m following suit with the theme for today at For the Love of Blogs by cleaning out your closet. Though I already use this blog as a way to vent my way through daily fixtures I am going to do this a little differently by staying with a good outlook on why I am airing this laundry out so to speak.

While I could completely lose it and vent about my intense fear over the past year and a half and that seems to still be happening I’m not doing that because that is reality and it’s a work in progress in kicking that to the curb.
This cleaning out the closet is something else entirely.

I am turning thirty in a month in a half and I am beginning to freak out, it’s more than anxiety and I can’t even believe that this is something rushing through my thoughts.

When I was younger and running around with friends we always used to pretend our Barbie’s were us, on our wedding days, out on dates, dressing up, etc. We would make to do lists or wish lists of everything that we hoped and dreamed for:

XX picking us up after football practice
Marrying a college sweetheart
Buying a house and filling it up with lots of little babies by twenty something
Being a stay at home mom to raise those babies
Becoming a bonafide beach bum

My wish list was very long and now as I am approaching this tender age my list has several tick marks, but there are also several gaps where I have moved on and tried alternative routes. I have veered from the dotted lines.



The list really should not hold such heavy importance over my head but secretly it does, I feel the weight of not only the words but also of my family and the way everyone has followed a certain path in living their lives and where I strayed.

When they turned 22 the majority got married, I was rushing out to San Francisco to pursue a degree in film. They turned 24 and were buying houses I was jet-setting around Europe trying to find me exploring the unknown, and tasting as much gelato as possible. At thirty they all had children or were pregnant. This is where I start to feel the anxiety.

My biological timeclock is ticking like mad and while I have never really been bothered by the differences between my life than with my family or friends around this is where I falter. I am turning thirty and I still have not reached their levels. I am still searching for levels of my own to reach, to build on, to love and appreciate. To experience.

I love and value everything that I have gone through and as these days at turning into a new period in life is different from those around me I have to stop and think my life is just as great as the next person. Different but equally as incredible.

That wish list was written when I was a youngster with a mind stuck in bubble gum clouds never having to deal with the realities of everyday life but it still stuck with me up until this day.

I have gotten this far and think that maybe my wish list was a little premature, maybe I wasn’t ready for other certain things to happen exactly how they were written. Who knows, all I know is that everyone is different, we all live different lives and I am okay with where I am at today.

Okay, but still think it’s unnerving to say that in so many weeks I am going to be turning into an ancient woman. Thankfully I will be an extremely happy ancient woman that has and will continue to accomplish a lot.

Something sweet in a land of crazy

After the whirlwind weekend that sort of swept through and fell into the start of another week, a night of movies and really trashy TV was in need. Knowing this and that misery needs company(no misery here just the company part), what better to do than call up your friends and gather some people together.

The call got several ladies to break away from their Monday Night Rituals for a relaxing evening in gasp…a townhouse. Even if it isn’t in a mansion or a beauty salon but rather a small, warm and comfortable sanctuary that is my home for last night it was perfect.

Entertaining comes easy, it is something I love to do and tend to do it often. The joy in the idea of getting as many people together for however long, letting go of everything for that period of time just to enjoy the minute, the food and the company is what makes it all worthwhile.

The ladies started to pour into my flat, each of them with a bottle of wine in hand, hors de vours and warm smiles as they walked around. The first thing anyone notices in the front room is the full length mirrored wall. It’s outdated, tac-tastic and several times throughout the evening more than one of the ladies stood in front checking their reflections.

I was rushing around in my kitchen while a handful of them started cracking the bottles open and getting comfy on the couch and chairs. You know it is serious business when the wine gets opened before anyone reaches for a snack!

Hours passed by with back and forth banter flowing while the wine was definitely flowing right alongside.

We were all too focused on having those few hours to turn to each other for support, to laugh about all of the silly nothings, to ask questions, get advice about things that you can only ask a close girlfriend.

By the fireplace I sat sipping wine listening and when they turned to me they all laughed. My major woes are not so much a biggie compared to these women but for friendship sake any problem is no different than anyone else’s.

And here it is, through this crazy bunch of women I have learned how to finally start a fireplace that has remained dark for months, learned a fair amount of inside information about an upcoming fashion show that I am already counting the months down to and know who to turn to the minute I meet a “rich man” and am in need of a pre-nuptial agreement. This said after multiple glasses of wine! Bless the fanatical, intoxicated ex-cheerleaders of the town!

It is in this moment where you have to be thankful for those you cross paths with, no matter where you are at in your life. You will never know what gets tossed in your direction, it’s exciting to see what each day brings and what someone else is going to say to you when least expected.

These women have saved my sanity in more ways than one lately and I value their friendships as it appears we have formed. They’re sweet as pie and cute as a button and for now my flat has become a sort of woman-den and it feels pretty wonderful.

...ps here is the list of ingredients that filled the cheese tray that was devoured before the second bottle of wine.

“Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.”

In getting into the specifics of a first date with a new man, please bear with me and my overly kindhearted antics. I’m a tad apprehensive in exploiting Romeo #994 and I will do so as genuinely as possible. But. Well. Shoot.

I am not going to lie. I danced around my flat wearing boy pants and a bra the other night getting ready for the date. Why the trouble? Because it felt damn good.

Damn good in the sense that I felt completely liberated all for the sake of going on a date after a drought. No longer feeling self conscious after the whole sorority debacle, stranger ex bullshit and dropping a dead friend. No thank you, this is all about staying calm and moving forward. Enjoying the moment, of course in the process of getting ready there were several phone calls out to certain friends for opinions on which outfit to wear, which wasn’t appropriate, which looked too toned down even for me.

FRIEND 1:Don’t wear a cardigan Morgs, it’s a no go. You’re telling him no sex until you get your Masters.

ME: But I like cardigans and it would look nice with the dress (to both of them, different calls)

FRIEND 2: You stole it from my grandma at her garage sale, ditch it!

Availability, honesty and utter bitchiness. I love good friends!

Mind you, this drought really wasn’t all that long. The disappearing act was a massive fluke and very much part of last year, but I have accepted that a woman has needs and that not so good morning wakeup call is what it is.

This Romeo; the man is a firecracker, he is genuine and sweet and I am slightly on the smitten side.

We went out on Monday night, I had a busy day filled with interviews the next day. Let’s take a moment to give many thanks to the economy for opening up the job market because this woman needs to get productive. My phone was tickled the day after, mid-day in between two interviews. The tickle was from a one and only Romeo #994.

A little about Romeo #994: They guy is basically Captain America with the locale of the greater Mid West. He has a great job that he is passionate about and does a lot of helping other people throughout the community (he says he is duty bound). Duty bound for what purposes, he wouldn’t say so this has me not only intrigued but sparked a little flag to pay extra attention to his moves. He’s my age (which is a first for me to date someone in the same age range). He’s brilliant but not egotistical or condescending about his intelligence. He’s extremely outgoing and very witty saying things that caught me off guard and of course did not come across in any of our little emails. His laugh is completely infectious and he has soft brown eyes. And did I mention that he is an active busy body and highly athletic.

Can you hear me swooning? Well I am, and I need to shut this off immediately because I cannot be that googly-eyed girl. This needs to be weighed out, gone out for more than a single solid date. But. Well. Shoot.

We met up for coffee in the late afternoon, almost evening and rather than stay inside of the coffee shop (which was none other than a typical Starbucks) we took the drink outside for a less intimidating approach to this date. Or to get away from the other people? I’ll leave that up for discussion.

We were getting along, laughing a lot, never a dull moment in the conversation until I pulled a rather and should have been expected M moment.

This is so quintessential; it screams something that would happen to only me. And to which for this night, it did happen to me at the most inopportune time. A morganism.

While walking across the street, my boot got caught on a piece of ice/slush whatever it was and the next thing I knew I was reaching out for whatever I could get my hands on but eventually fell to the ground. In the slush. Dirtying but thankfully not ripping the leggings as my jacket got the best of the roadside weather roundup.

Nice. Covered in slush. All I could do was right myself and look up into his face and laugh nervously. Embarrassed beyond any words could ever describe. Now this is why I am swooning, he didn’t even laugh at me, he laughed with me. Helped brush off the gunk on my jacket and offered to fall down himself so that he was covered in ice/slush just so I wasn’t alone.

We walked around for a while after that and eventually called it a night. Overall, it turned out to be an easy and fun date and definitely one that goes down in the “this would only happen to M books.”

For the text afterward, it was very simple: Had fun last night, I’m bored today because of it. Can you keep me company during a break?

Don’t worry, I responded. We are going to be getting together this weekend. Where there will not just be coffee and a walk in the snow. Where this will go, who knows.

What I do know and what I can tell you is that the other night was exciting, refreshing and easing the discomfort of online dating because we're just people. Meeting.

You learn a lot about yourself in the face of new people or even people you have known for ages. I have a sneaky feeling that this dating game is going to teach a lot to me about those quirky things I do and definitely make me more aware of every single action I do. Especially if they include tripping.

It is an exciting way to coach my way through becoming a better person, a better communicator and who knows maybe even meet someone great in that process.