As the cool fall winds tease the evening air, it makes stop and think about where the time has gone over the past several months. Where I have been, and what all has been keeping the days full of events or empty with the sun.
Hours of work in an office that behooves me in every form, outings with friends that has comforted and protected-even if it comes in the form of SPF for them and baby oil for me, dates of misfortune that makes me understand the reality of wants and needs. I am pushing something that may not be. All of this is simply filling time, stealing it and gesturing for more. Whether it be for laughter, love and wholeness.
I have noticed that my time during the week is shortened and I’ve become void to ideas and hopes. Through the work comes a stress, which leads and fuels the fire to staying true and persistent for what I want to do. Sitting behind a desk taking orders, being a job lackey feels more degrading than working a fast food lane. At least there, someone is grateful rather than unappreciative and demanding. What is so fundamentally a part of my life, is calling in different tones. It reminds me to never lose focus and to keep trying to get it just right, to find a way of being stable in your niche. Your claim to economic happiness. Money is money, and it is crucial-but to remain true to me, my heart and soul-I’m willing to make a sacrifice. But what is it? Or do I already know.
The people that have become the closest, see and read through me. They know where I want to go and push me to make those futile steps further into the right direction. Even if my mind is forgetful, they are not. With family it is entirely different. There is always a judgment against actions, a prejudice against you. Not with these friends that are my family, there is no rudeness or cold behavior-only encouragement. And for that I've latched on and have been soaking it up building a confidence to step out of the typical norm, step away from what is expected-to do what is just right within. To follow dreams and make them into a reality, even if it means saying ‘fuck it’ to everything else.
Forcing something that may not be is a realization that is now acceptance. I do not want to go further alone in this life without the deep rumble of someone next to me, to feel that warmth curled into the sheets. To be a couple. This is the hardest part. For months I've been going back and forth, playing games that I am way too old to be playing, trying on new men for size and its emotionally draining. I know it’s part of the process by I am beat, and with that beaten. By the end, I'm left bereft, tired and don't want to give up the fight for hopeless and endless love-but the light is extinguished for now. I love the independence that I have, but want to be dependent of someone for a change. I'm hurt--but not broken, sad--but still happy. It is only a roadblock and will come into my life when the timing is right, or so I'm told. I am staying positive but am no longer searching, because it’s in the search that I lose sight of who this woman is. I lose sight of what is all around me.
For days I thought the quiet would be soothing, but it was in the chaos, the rubble of laughter that I am listening to, that I am relaxed. It makes it clear that when I'm trying to achieve certain things, I'm focused and the chaos is still. I am missing pieces, missing other things that may be passing by. For a change, I'm reverting and doing something so out of character. I'm not caring anymore. Letting go of the wishes, the prayers, the 'let me please' thoughts. To just go in the direction of those winds.
For right now, I just want to be. Be, wherever this draft is taking me, be happy for the people around, be available and optimistic for tomorrow.