Realizing there is a type and deciding to say goodbye to it

I am apologizing up front. Today is deep so grab your sweats and Valentine’s Day chocolate boxes-because you know you already have them!

As I am going through this process of getting back into the dating scene to establish a new part of my life I am feeling a little less inspired. Almost to the point that I am putting too much effort into something and potentially pushing it away at a rapid pace as opposed to attracting it into my life.

This foreign lack of confidence is merely stemming off of feeling like I missed something, a step maybe or a movement of one’s body. Over the weekend I ended up meeting up with Romeo #994 and while we enjoyed ourselves for a light evening out, it wasn’t until the end that I found the true intentions.

It’s natural to look out for warning signs, to be aware of our surroundings, postures, gestures, the statements that could possibly deter from what the expected initially was. I did not see this coming and am in absolute denial, and yet.

As hard as I would like to deny that I don’t gravitate to a specific type of man, that is a lie. This man was close to the molding, and when he asked to walk me back to my car not for the slightest moment did I think anything badly. The date, this date was merely only a condition for going home with him of which I declined. When he asked the question, I felt depleted as if I had done something terribly wrong.

With him but more so within myself.

Where are these troubles coming from? I am a decent person living out a very healthy and balanced daily life and yet there are uncertainties that are draining me of being truly happy. Driving back to my flat I replayed all of our conversations, analyzed the dates. And this is when I finally understood. It's me.

I am making me unhappy and am not giving everything I can to something. Somewhere deep down I am telling myself that I am not good enough for someone else’s love or affection and that is being exposed to the people around me. Therefore it is attracting this type of behavior, the short term that I have accepted in the past but refuse to accept now. Because it’s not worth it. Because I am good enough.

I am sure there is more to this man and I am not seeing or am not supposed to see because we are not fitting together at this exact point in time. Since our date I haven’t heard from him nor have I tried to reach out as I don’t really know if that’s my place. I like him but I don’t want to be viewed as a take home kind of woman. There is a positive out of this, I am thankful for getting excited about him and dancing around my flat because that keeps the spark alive knowing the bubble of something great is still inside of me.

Does this call for an emotional detox to re-evaluate and get back into that frame of mind in order to attract others that are like-minded? A certain favorite reality TV bombshell says yes.

I wouldn’t like to think that this step is necessary because I feel fine, I don’t feel completely drained but more like I have let myself down in an area that I can’t seem to climb to the top yet. It’s the Mt. Everest of my life right now.

It is unhealthy to have this sort of hang-up looming over my head for reasons known but unsure of. I still believe that things happen naturally and my emotions are certainly part of this so I must take a moment to really get back into that place where there is real confidence and an immense value on true happiness in everything that I am a part of.

The adventures of dating that completely take us by surprise but ultimately are an informal way of making us look at ourselves from outside of the box.

Enough for now, I’m done with this box of chocolates it’s making for a sugary lipstick.

*Wink* I think you’re kinda cute, want to get some coffee?

Tonight is date night with Romeo # 994, and marks the second date since getting started on this friendture. Romeo #995-yowza he was sleaze to the heaping core! Sex please, ugh not after one date where there was very little active conversations.

While I was putting together the playlist for this week, I had been instant messaging with a Romeo #994, which lets back this up.

Instant Messaging or IMing can go two ways. Genuine or full on cyber porn. That’s fine and well, but for the love of god man(and this goes out to one individual only), when I’ve denied you three times in one day and then several more times days later take the hint! I’m not down to getting a little loving from you, find another cyber girlfriend.

Romeo #994, he’s an alright guy through the emails. Over the weekend we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone briefly. Despite not being a phone person, I like to at least know how the other person is going to sound. It needs to be more personal than emails. His voice, is deep and he has a rich laugh.

Our conversation lasted for longer than the typical. I am intrigued by Romeo #994 and am curious how tonight is going to go.

I’m not overanalyzing anything or getting hyped by this but it’s nice to be sitting here at home knowing that I am getting out on a school night. For coffee and a walk in the snow. To meet a boy.

I’m off to slink my body into the bath and get some relaxation in and god willing am putting that playlist on while I get ready. Who needs the gym when you’ve got fun music and enough space to dance around in your house!

“To infinity and beyond”

One of the finer things over the past couple of years has been being able to talk to my nephew on the telephone.

Half of the time he is growling like a monster attempting to be scary or trying to tell me in the language of Kaleb about his favorite man of the minute, his “Buzz.”

Because distance puts a strain on when we get together, my family which is extremely close knit, make a strong effort in making sure we all talk umpteen times a week. Plus, with the cutie, that he grows up and can actually put faces to the voices of his family.

Hello Skype, thank you for being free! Why has it taken this long to get organized and set up on this site? Last year I flew back to see everyone several times but this season it didn’t work out and so my sister and I both decided pretty much at the same time. Let’s get on with this thing and stop dragging our feet.

The first attempt was an epic failure. Both of our accounts were set up, the cameras were definitely activated as the tazmanian cutie was jumping in front and waiving back at me. All of this without sound. What happened?

Second attempt after it was determined that the microphone on my sister’s account was muted (She is a redhead but had a blonde moment!) the call itself, was a total success and brought massive tears through both of us.

Laughing and crying at the same time, Kaleb was shrieking and claiming much deserved attention showing off all of his gifts and then…

We had a dance off. On Skype. This is outrageous. An almost 30 year old woman and I am laughing and jumping around for all of a couple of minutes with my nephew who is 2,000+ miles away who was doing the same thing at the very same time. But within view of a very VERY small screen!

I loved those couple of minutes, my sister and brother in law in the background laughing at the craziness. I cannot even say thanks enough times to have had that moment because it was precious. Skype is getting a letter. Well, maybe an email because every once and awhile geeking out is okay for the sake of being thankful.

It was like being in the same room. I miss them and am taking hold of this minute to feel nostalgic.

If by any crazy happenstance where the US Consulate in Vancouver contacted me for a job I would move in a heartbeat. However until that happens it’s all about taking advantage of the snow, the sunshine and the generosity of the people in the area. And whatever else comes into view.

Hold your loved ones and give them a tight squeeze. Life is beautiful, and if you haven’t already signed up. GET ON SKYPE!!

For the hockey antics that took a break like the holidays: I hate to even mention this but my thoughts are with the Flames. It’s been a rough first part of the season and to lose the GM was a start at a necessary restructure, which has clearly only just begun and serious uproar is about to happen. Please keep the faith and stay strong as a team! And keep a certain #7 in Calgary and not send him off to NJ!