Where's the wagon?

Its official and this is totally lame. The past couple of weeks have been horrible and I fell off of the wagon big time for the Challenge. That personal statement went through the window with the Mt Everest of personal avalanches that have plowed over every part of me and kept the sunshine away from the glittery blues.

When I should have been waking up to go to the gym, I was just flopping into bed. Fat Man Pants and I became very loyal friends. And 5 am became a restful hour.

Rather than drinking a gallon of water per day I was slinking my stress away in a bath tub filled of hot bubble-icious glory.This is debatable about being bad.

I haven’t eaten a full meal for weeks. It’s been coffee in the morning and maybe some toast in the evening. Plus there’s been champagne and wine thrown in the mix without food. Such a big NO NO.

In other words, oh holy mess girl put your happy face back on!

To get out of the slump, there are some positives here right? Yeah, I’m working on finding this bad boy out. I’m thinking it falls somewhere in between creating a spa in my washroom to creating a spa in the washroom. It’s heaven and my skin feels silky smooth.

And don’t we always find more negatives than positive? I let mind over matter take over, however when your mind is cluttered with:

-Stress of finding a job-Dealing with your family-Understanding why people are blaming you for being thousands of miles away-Trying to socialize and gain friends

It’s very easy to lose sight of eating right, working out, sleeping for more than 2-3hours and so on.



Bring on the Cankles. No really don’t but thanks for cheering for cankles!

Horrible and this is no pity party, it is what happened. It’s how I’ve dealt with the situations, and being aware of this will hopefully help during the next rough spell but who knows until that happens. Hoping never ever again that’s for sure.

While the Challenge is about to wrap up, there’s still 28 days left (in the initial 12 weeks) to regain some form of control and use that control in other aspects that have been affected. I’ve made a promise to myself to get into the gym when I can. A meal plan has been restructured to get back on course and I busted out the CD with city sounds to play during the night so hopefully that will get me back on track with a regular sleeping routine. You know you’re from the city when you miss the sounds of firetrucks and drunken people roaming the streets.

Rather than feeling depleted and guilt ridden over this I’m more thankful for the awareness of the behavior that sprouted. It’s been helpful in understanding how I deal with things which changed with the absence of core support.

Life happens and throws us obstacles, it’s a serious pain in the ass and aggravates me to no end that I’m stressed out over things I have no control over but I do have control over how these things affect me and how to deal.

For this next week a plan has been set and I’m sticking to it for eating right and working out but not killing myself over lost time. It’s a thing in the past and I’m moving forward, 28 days forward.

This is the way it’s going to be from here on out. For Life. For Health. For Sanity. For Everything Wanted.

Coffee and kegels….or did you mean creamer?

There is an unwritten rule about what women talk about when several are gathered together and how loud or quiet for that matter our voices travel. The women’s toilets are the prime location for getting gossip. It goes the same for men say in the locker rooms or on the basketball court. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.

My friend, whom is out conquering the fashion world has asked everyone close to her for a little help with her boutique. While she’s out doing her thing, myself along with a bunch of others have been volunteering time keeping the doors open trying to channel the inner salesperson within. To sell things because that is what shops are in business for.

But in all honesty, the time basically becomes Chatty Katty time the minute a patron leaves the storefront. I love it.

Love it so much that I keep going back for seconds, thirds, fourths….

I have no Drama.

Everyone that comes in has soap opera digest worthy drama.

So to make a day that much more interesting, I’ll stick around for a few extra minutes if someone starts talking to me. Because it’s hilarious to see these people getting frustrated over something ridiculously simple. Just say no folks, it’s that simple. And stop buying the Prada(Target and NYC, we’re still having an affair don’t you worry)!

You’re in a store with a bunch of clothes.

Um, I may be blonde but I’m not stupid. Let’s introduce the word association for the day. Networking.

(Note that this is nothing on blondes either just the bland stereotype that has been branded upon us and is fully embraced)

During one of my many “shifts” if you will, I was sitting on the couch with three other women chatting it up in between customers when we got on the subject of thighs. How it got there, don’t ask because I cannot even answer this one.

Not your average change in topics from jewelry but I’ll go with it, because this is the land of crazytown and obsessive personalities and general good times.
One of the women started giving me tips on how to thin out your thighs using a yoga block, which I’d never really consider walking around my house with one in between my legs but everything deserves a shot for consideration.

While she was trying to explain holding the block in place, and while we were sipping coffee (not wine or any liquor) she said excitedly, “It’s like working your kegels!”

Come again?

Did you just say like working my kegels? Oh yes, she really did say like working the kegels.

I died right there and can only thank god that there weren’t other people in the store because I have a hearty laugh and nothing could hold it back. The other girl working didn’t even laugh, she was paying more attention to her text messages than the conversation. Clearly she has no idea about her own sexuality. What in the hell!?! One mention of anything sinful and my ears perk up. It’s horrible, you’d think I was a man!

I started laughing hysterically and while sipping the last drops of my Americano I got the full jist of losing mere inches off of the inner thighs without hours of pilates. Without inner leg lifts. Without those wretched crab kicks. But with none other than a yoga block and my damn kegel muscles.

Thanks to that conversation, instead of thinking about certain activities and fluttering muscles I’m now thinking about my damn thighs and snapping those bad boys into narrow shape.

Embarrassingly I will admit this, because this is just words of nothingness and you can't see me blushing nor I can see you busting out the checkbook to see if you can add $14 into the weekly budget.

I’m going to try it out and test her theory. I’ll walk around my house like an idiot flexing the kegels fantasizing about thinner inner thighs instead of broad shouldered men and post an update in one month. Because that is what’s up.

Kegeltastic.

Per our lovely friends at Wikipedia, there are several positive forms of kegel exercises that benefit women and men. For example:

Did you know (this is TMI but who cares) kegels can help men achieve a stronger you know what when in the heat of things and gain greater control of losing the steam. Makes sense right.

For women, this is simple. It’s to gain control of our loosened pelvic muscles due to pregnancy and childbirth, obesity and aging.

Now for both, it can be great form of re-gaining control of an overactive bladder.

Can’t hold it for another five minutes to the train stop? Start flexing those muscles and building up some stamina.

So there you have it, a little laugh and a little knowledge on this fine day.

Realizing there is a type and deciding to say goodbye to it

I am apologizing up front. Today is deep so grab your sweats and Valentine’s Day chocolate boxes-because you know you already have them!

As I am going through this process of getting back into the dating scene to establish a new part of my life I am feeling a little less inspired. Almost to the point that I am putting too much effort into something and potentially pushing it away at a rapid pace as opposed to attracting it into my life.

This foreign lack of confidence is merely stemming off of feeling like I missed something, a step maybe or a movement of one’s body. Over the weekend I ended up meeting up with Romeo #994 and while we enjoyed ourselves for a light evening out, it wasn’t until the end that I found the true intentions.

It’s natural to look out for warning signs, to be aware of our surroundings, postures, gestures, the statements that could possibly deter from what the expected initially was. I did not see this coming and am in absolute denial, and yet.

As hard as I would like to deny that I don’t gravitate to a specific type of man, that is a lie. This man was close to the molding, and when he asked to walk me back to my car not for the slightest moment did I think anything badly. The date, this date was merely only a condition for going home with him of which I declined. When he asked the question, I felt depleted as if I had done something terribly wrong.

With him but more so within myself.

Where are these troubles coming from? I am a decent person living out a very healthy and balanced daily life and yet there are uncertainties that are draining me of being truly happy. Driving back to my flat I replayed all of our conversations, analyzed the dates. And this is when I finally understood. It's me.

I am making me unhappy and am not giving everything I can to something. Somewhere deep down I am telling myself that I am not good enough for someone else’s love or affection and that is being exposed to the people around me. Therefore it is attracting this type of behavior, the short term that I have accepted in the past but refuse to accept now. Because it’s not worth it. Because I am good enough.

I am sure there is more to this man and I am not seeing or am not supposed to see because we are not fitting together at this exact point in time. Since our date I haven’t heard from him nor have I tried to reach out as I don’t really know if that’s my place. I like him but I don’t want to be viewed as a take home kind of woman. There is a positive out of this, I am thankful for getting excited about him and dancing around my flat because that keeps the spark alive knowing the bubble of something great is still inside of me.

Does this call for an emotional detox to re-evaluate and get back into that frame of mind in order to attract others that are like-minded? A certain favorite reality TV bombshell says yes.

I wouldn’t like to think that this step is necessary because I feel fine, I don’t feel completely drained but more like I have let myself down in an area that I can’t seem to climb to the top yet. It’s the Mt. Everest of my life right now.

It is unhealthy to have this sort of hang-up looming over my head for reasons known but unsure of. I still believe that things happen naturally and my emotions are certainly part of this so I must take a moment to really get back into that place where there is real confidence and an immense value on true happiness in everything that I am a part of.

The adventures of dating that completely take us by surprise but ultimately are an informal way of making us look at ourselves from outside of the box.

Enough for now, I’m done with this box of chocolates it’s making for a sugary lipstick.

Dear John: It is time to move on

There comes a time in your life when you must do whatever is necessary to keep an inner strength and positivity deep within yourself. Hard as hell as it may seem, in order to stay true to yourself and to what you believe in, it must be done.

It is that time, time to de-friend someone.

This is the most difficult thing for me to do; anyone who knows me knows that I am the largest pushover known to man. Saying no to a girl-scout let alone hanging up on a phone stalker trying to sell a newspaper subscription is difficult.

Riding high from a week filled with major surprises, upsets and confusing outcomes my mind was tired, cranky and on edge when a call came in from a “friend.”

This friend and I have been wavering for some time, she calls when she needs to relieve steam. And of course, I listen. Pushover. I am a good friend to her, however she flees if I ever am in need of support. Which is not often but when you need a friend, it is nice to know you have someone on call. She is not someone I would call.

I have never been a lengthy telephone conversation person, but being as I live nowhere near my family nor friends this little value is holding more importance and I'm learning to embrace the phone with each passing day. For the most part, unless it is the core group I am brief in conversations or listen to what is going on with other people.

With this week and its emotional havoc I updated the FB status like crazy and spent the majority of the week on the phone, I needed immediate support.

Which naturally brought in a phone call from this “friend” who saw an update, she was concerned. The call lasted no more than 12 minutes (Thank you Blackberry for having a call log) and I barely managed a single sentence in. She was calling to give mindless babble about a shameless or not so shameless encounter. These conversations I honestly don’t mind with my friends. Whatever, everyone chats. That’s what we do.

But don’t call me and then hang up on me when I need to vent too. I am always here to listen and provide support to anyone but friendships/relationships are mutual. They’re two way streets. I was more than a little irritated and the call put our friendship in perspective. I swear this week has been a serious break up week. Putting being a pushover aside, I’m non-confrontational and friends with EVERYBODY and all of the sudden I’m tossing out all of the bad things and eventually replacing with better. What the hell happened this week?

When it rains it pours. This is not a joke.

So I’m de-friending through an email. It’s completely impersonal, I hate this. I hate that I have to even use the word hate. Childish doesn’t even come close to how stupid this notion is especially at this point in my life and it sounds like I’m in junior high school let alone a aging woman.

While I’m sitting here, figuring out how to break up with a friend in a nice and cordial way I know that she will never understand what I am writing. She will only see whatever it is that she wants to see. That come next week, my telephone will once again ring and a missed call will come in from a certain number.

Will my conscience kick into overdrive making my fingers itch to dial up only to be talked at, not talked with? No. It is raining, but it’s not pouring. I’m taking this week as a serious wake up call for not sweating the small stuff. People come and go in life, I may like a lot of them but there are some that I will not connect well with and this is okay. It is okay to say no and to let them go.

(MORGS, YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THIS!!!)
All of that was in the past couple of days, the message went out late last night and I woke up this morning feeling somewhat relieved. There is a fresh dusting of snow on the roads this morning and I will only see the good in it. It’s beautiful outside, the day is new and after a much needed sisterly phone call I’m headed out for a tarot reading! Thank you Debbie (ya heard my crazy antics!) for being a genius and owning a gorgeous store with a lot more than clothes!!!

Happy Saturday all!

Little things that make a smile contagious

With everything that has been taking place over the course of this week thus far, I was in need of some serious therapy. Whether that be going out for a walk to clear my mind and meditate or actually (gasp) do something out of the ordinary and treat myself to a much needed reward.

A reward sounds absurd but, for the sake of today, this week and everything else that is what I’m going with.

I phoned up my aesthetician and decided that it was time for a follow up appointment. If anything, I can at least make myself feel somewhat attractive and desirable despite whatever else is going on right?

Right.

So I’m in her little office, filled with the serenity of the quiet and candle filled calm. The light sounds of music playing in the background. And for the entire hour got lost in conversation with my Bulgarian aesthetician.

I got the full rundown of her adventures in the Virgin Islands and spending an entire day in a police station because of a bizarre taxi accident, she asked how I was doing with meeting people and whether I flew back for the holidays and then we got to talking about dating.

Because this is on my brain and obviously hers as well.

The longer we talked, the more I couldn’t scrap the thought that her issue with her ex-husband completely mirrored the issue with the stranger ex. It was all too surreal and of course I told her this but it made me really think about how the universe works.

Sometimes, and this is a stretch. But sometimes I think that there are certain things that we manifest in thought and is brought right in front of us for the taking.

Take this appointment for example. I do not know this woman outside of her being a certified professional and yet she and I both are experiencing almost identical dilemmas and we were in her small office together for an entire hour.

Universe or not, you can’t deny the inner workings here.

Walking out of the appointment, I felt rejuvenated and as crazy as this sounds. More like myself. For the past few months I have waivered from feeling okay to saying I feel okay and not really allowing the reality to register that there was ever a faltering in my emotions.

Today, sitting with my Bulgarian lady something snapped inside and it was like an inner voice telling me that everything is what you make of it and that this is just a part of life. There is so much happening all around that I cannot allow something to take reign on me and control how I feel. If I do, then only allow it for a short period of time and then let it go. Life is happening and moving like a carousel, it’s time to give the usher my ticket and claim a spot on the ride.

It’s fundamental and of course I already know all of this but it is easy to become blind to a situation, a numbing of emotion, etc. Being around someone and seeing how they are getting through whatever it is they must to survive puts everything into light.

At the end of the appointment, we chatted for longer and I ended up walking out wearing a huge smile. Who knows how and where you meet people and how they may affect your life. It’s funny that way, but for some reason I was meant to be in that room today having that conversation with the aesthetician, who for this little piece was transformed into a counselor of sorts.

Only she carries an electrical wand to close up your pores with. It’s nothing magical by any means. Oh but you know what I mean.

Sometimes all that matters is taking a minute to breathe

The Monday after Christmas last year, I was starting a new job in San Francisco. Harried that it had taken a couple of months to land and seriously thanking the grace of god for having saved a little safety net that kept everything afloat until that first paycheck.

Today, a year later it’s the Monday after Christmas and I had an interview in a place far away from the golden state.

Before I went to sleep last night, my mind couldn’t shut itself off and repeatedly I kept wishing that something positive would come job-wise soon. Having time off has been extremely beneficial especially for the fact that this is an entirely new environment, but it’s time to get back to work.

Fortunately before I left the bay area, I had saved up enough money so that I could afford to take a few months off but I am not the type of person that enjoys not being productive. From the first day of being in the new place, applications have been going out every single day.

Having the economy in an uproar is frankly getting old, and I know I am one of millions that are feeling the pain of being out of work. This is the strangest concept to me that I am still not working and yet am pretty much asking the universe to send something in this direction.

It’s ridiculous and I should stop complaining because honestly what is the point and there are people that have it worse. There is shelter over my head, food in my belly and have a support system on-call. Then again I did leave a very well paying job (corporate conglomerates are not in my future) and left on a whim, seriously. Was that the smartest decision? I’d still be working by now, unhappily, but working.

I don’t really want to think about the interview and how it went, I’m still more focused on getting through the remainder of the year and praying that January will hold better cards. According to my lovely horoscope, it appears there will be lots of prospects. Here’s hoping!

In all honesty, the only reason I’m complaining about not working is mainly that I miss having daily contact with people apart from the non-personal conversations you have with the people at a coffee shop, the grocer or those you pass while out on a walk.

Enough of feeling mopey because I’ve taken a much needed breather, vented enough that my own thoughts are sounding annoying and am letting it go for now.

Everything happens for a reason, every path we take leads into another filled with experiences and learning opportunities. Live your life with no regrets, stay the course of your own happiness and everything else will fall into place.

“There'll be no next time.This is going to be like Bridges of Madison Ave,a very brief affair I'll write about in sappy letters to my grandchildren"

Yesterday morning with groggy eyes, crazy hair and a rumpled bed it hit me. Who is this woman and where did I go? The other night marked another round of dating, only this time it was date number 3 with the same guy. Nice guy, sexy guy. Very very dedicated to his job kind of guy. But still sexy.

Date 1:Good conversation, lots of laughs and positive feeling. We left with a swift kiss and a plan for the next few days to meet up.

Date 2:In between the dates, he text me. Not a phone call, text. Very brief and nothing illicit, just simple banter and I went with it. The date was nice and low-key, the guard was starting to drop down with him. Kisses and a bit more after leaving.

Date 3:There was a good lapse in between dates, he was crazy busy with work. We managed to talk a few times and the phone calls were brief. We met up at another bar and after a couple of drinks he drove me home (I’d taken the train in). Groggy eyes, crazy hair and a rumpled bed later…..no note, no guy no nothing.

And so we’re back to the beginning. Who is this woman? Just because this is a new place doesn’t mean we change who we are right? I honestly didn’t expect this from myself. It’s completely out of character. Nor did I expect it from the guy.

I double checked my house for a note or anything and then took to the cell phone which was equally as empty, and dialed. Straight to voicemail. Okay. I got ready, went out for the day and after hearing nothing decided what is there to lose and text him because it felt odd.

That awful saying: “he’s just not that into you” was definitely in the front of my mind. He responded almost immediately with a phone call and said that he left because he had an early meeting and that he was going to be busy for “a while.” He would text me whenever he was free. I was hesitant but the call left me thinking about shameless nights.

Natural instincts say don't judge because maybe he really is busy, but do I and call him a jerk this early in the game? Why does it have to be a game?

Am I allowed to doubt? Busy, rejection or being a complete girl,this was a total fling and I hate that. The ups and downs, and are the woes of dating.

If only there was an easy button that magically made a deep voiced, broad shouldered funny guy appear out of thin air! I’m here, where are you?