Realizing there is a type and deciding to say goodbye to it

I am apologizing up front. Today is deep so grab your sweats and Valentine’s Day chocolate boxes-because you know you already have them!

As I am going through this process of getting back into the dating scene to establish a new part of my life I am feeling a little less inspired. Almost to the point that I am putting too much effort into something and potentially pushing it away at a rapid pace as opposed to attracting it into my life.

This foreign lack of confidence is merely stemming off of feeling like I missed something, a step maybe or a movement of one’s body. Over the weekend I ended up meeting up with Romeo #994 and while we enjoyed ourselves for a light evening out, it wasn’t until the end that I found the true intentions.

It’s natural to look out for warning signs, to be aware of our surroundings, postures, gestures, the statements that could possibly deter from what the expected initially was. I did not see this coming and am in absolute denial, and yet.

As hard as I would like to deny that I don’t gravitate to a specific type of man, that is a lie. This man was close to the molding, and when he asked to walk me back to my car not for the slightest moment did I think anything badly. The date, this date was merely only a condition for going home with him of which I declined. When he asked the question, I felt depleted as if I had done something terribly wrong.

With him but more so within myself.

Where are these troubles coming from? I am a decent person living out a very healthy and balanced daily life and yet there are uncertainties that are draining me of being truly happy. Driving back to my flat I replayed all of our conversations, analyzed the dates. And this is when I finally understood. It's me.

I am making me unhappy and am not giving everything I can to something. Somewhere deep down I am telling myself that I am not good enough for someone else’s love or affection and that is being exposed to the people around me. Therefore it is attracting this type of behavior, the short term that I have accepted in the past but refuse to accept now. Because it’s not worth it. Because I am good enough.

I am sure there is more to this man and I am not seeing or am not supposed to see because we are not fitting together at this exact point in time. Since our date I haven’t heard from him nor have I tried to reach out as I don’t really know if that’s my place. I like him but I don’t want to be viewed as a take home kind of woman. There is a positive out of this, I am thankful for getting excited about him and dancing around my flat because that keeps the spark alive knowing the bubble of something great is still inside of me.

Does this call for an emotional detox to re-evaluate and get back into that frame of mind in order to attract others that are like-minded? A certain favorite reality TV bombshell says yes.

I wouldn’t like to think that this step is necessary because I feel fine, I don’t feel completely drained but more like I have let myself down in an area that I can’t seem to climb to the top yet. It’s the Mt. Everest of my life right now.

It is unhealthy to have this sort of hang-up looming over my head for reasons known but unsure of. I still believe that things happen naturally and my emotions are certainly part of this so I must take a moment to really get back into that place where there is real confidence and an immense value on true happiness in everything that I am a part of.

The adventures of dating that completely take us by surprise but ultimately are an informal way of making us look at ourselves from outside of the box.

Enough for now, I’m done with this box of chocolates it’s making for a sugary lipstick.

“Sexy is the thing I try to get them to see me as after I win them over with my personality.”

In getting into the specifics of a first date with a new man, please bear with me and my overly kindhearted antics. I’m a tad apprehensive in exploiting Romeo #994 and I will do so as genuinely as possible. But. Well. Shoot.

I am not going to lie. I danced around my flat wearing boy pants and a bra the other night getting ready for the date. Why the trouble? Because it felt damn good.

Damn good in the sense that I felt completely liberated all for the sake of going on a date after a drought. No longer feeling self conscious after the whole sorority debacle, stranger ex bullshit and dropping a dead friend. No thank you, this is all about staying calm and moving forward. Enjoying the moment, of course in the process of getting ready there were several phone calls out to certain friends for opinions on which outfit to wear, which wasn’t appropriate, which looked too toned down even for me.

FRIEND 1:Don’t wear a cardigan Morgs, it’s a no go. You’re telling him no sex until you get your Masters.

ME: But I like cardigans and it would look nice with the dress (to both of them, different calls)

FRIEND 2: You stole it from my grandma at her garage sale, ditch it!

Availability, honesty and utter bitchiness. I love good friends!

Mind you, this drought really wasn’t all that long. The disappearing act was a massive fluke and very much part of last year, but I have accepted that a woman has needs and that not so good morning wakeup call is what it is.

This Romeo; the man is a firecracker, he is genuine and sweet and I am slightly on the smitten side.

We went out on Monday night, I had a busy day filled with interviews the next day. Let’s take a moment to give many thanks to the economy for opening up the job market because this woman needs to get productive. My phone was tickled the day after, mid-day in between two interviews. The tickle was from a one and only Romeo #994.

A little about Romeo #994: They guy is basically Captain America with the locale of the greater Mid West. He has a great job that he is passionate about and does a lot of helping other people throughout the community (he says he is duty bound). Duty bound for what purposes, he wouldn’t say so this has me not only intrigued but sparked a little flag to pay extra attention to his moves. He’s my age (which is a first for me to date someone in the same age range). He’s brilliant but not egotistical or condescending about his intelligence. He’s extremely outgoing and very witty saying things that caught me off guard and of course did not come across in any of our little emails. His laugh is completely infectious and he has soft brown eyes. And did I mention that he is an active busy body and highly athletic.

Can you hear me swooning? Well I am, and I need to shut this off immediately because I cannot be that googly-eyed girl. This needs to be weighed out, gone out for more than a single solid date. But. Well. Shoot.

We met up for coffee in the late afternoon, almost evening and rather than stay inside of the coffee shop (which was none other than a typical Starbucks) we took the drink outside for a less intimidating approach to this date. Or to get away from the other people? I’ll leave that up for discussion.

We were getting along, laughing a lot, never a dull moment in the conversation until I pulled a rather and should have been expected M moment.

This is so quintessential; it screams something that would happen to only me. And to which for this night, it did happen to me at the most inopportune time. A morganism.

While walking across the street, my boot got caught on a piece of ice/slush whatever it was and the next thing I knew I was reaching out for whatever I could get my hands on but eventually fell to the ground. In the slush. Dirtying but thankfully not ripping the leggings as my jacket got the best of the roadside weather roundup.

Nice. Covered in slush. All I could do was right myself and look up into his face and laugh nervously. Embarrassed beyond any words could ever describe. Now this is why I am swooning, he didn’t even laugh at me, he laughed with me. Helped brush off the gunk on my jacket and offered to fall down himself so that he was covered in ice/slush just so I wasn’t alone.

We walked around for a while after that and eventually called it a night. Overall, it turned out to be an easy and fun date and definitely one that goes down in the “this would only happen to M books.”

For the text afterward, it was very simple: Had fun last night, I’m bored today because of it. Can you keep me company during a break?

Don’t worry, I responded. We are going to be getting together this weekend. Where there will not just be coffee and a walk in the snow. Where this will go, who knows.

What I do know and what I can tell you is that the other night was exciting, refreshing and easing the discomfort of online dating because we're just people. Meeting.

You learn a lot about yourself in the face of new people or even people you have known for ages. I have a sneaky feeling that this dating game is going to teach a lot to me about those quirky things I do and definitely make me more aware of every single action I do. Especially if they include tripping.

It is an exciting way to coach my way through becoming a better person, a better communicator and who knows maybe even meet someone great in that process.

*Wink* I think you’re kinda cute, want to get some coffee?

Tonight is date night with Romeo # 994, and marks the second date since getting started on this friendture. Romeo #995-yowza he was sleaze to the heaping core! Sex please, ugh not after one date where there was very little active conversations.

While I was putting together the playlist for this week, I had been instant messaging with a Romeo #994, which lets back this up.

Instant Messaging or IMing can go two ways. Genuine or full on cyber porn. That’s fine and well, but for the love of god man(and this goes out to one individual only), when I’ve denied you three times in one day and then several more times days later take the hint! I’m not down to getting a little loving from you, find another cyber girlfriend.

Romeo #994, he’s an alright guy through the emails. Over the weekend we exchanged numbers and talked on the phone briefly. Despite not being a phone person, I like to at least know how the other person is going to sound. It needs to be more personal than emails. His voice, is deep and he has a rich laugh.

Our conversation lasted for longer than the typical. I am intrigued by Romeo #994 and am curious how tonight is going to go.

I’m not overanalyzing anything or getting hyped by this but it’s nice to be sitting here at home knowing that I am getting out on a school night. For coffee and a walk in the snow. To meet a boy.

I’m off to slink my body into the bath and get some relaxation in and god willing am putting that playlist on while I get ready. Who needs the gym when you’ve got fun music and enough space to dance around in your house!

Fireplace frenzy

I am bound and determined to figure this ridiculous fireplace out. I am a very simple person, but after living in cramped apartments for as long as I have, when finding the right place to live; I was going to be specific in certain wants. For example: Washer/Dryer, Fireplace and Hardwood flooring.

Two out of three, is not too shabby. For once, I don’t have to worry about getting up at 5:30am just to get a spot in the washing line. Forget drying anything in any of the old places, a shower rod became the main method and a girl’s best friend.

Fireplaces…where do I even begin. I’ve lived in one apartment that ever had one and after a massively failed attempt in starting a fire, (it was ended by the Fire Department making a home visit because apparently those “starts” that I was doing was creating an incredible smoke effect on the people living above…whoops) all other apartments have been heating board friendly.

Not the best experience, but I’m going to MacGyver my way through getting the fireplace functional. There wasn’t a key, my landlord has no clue some neighbors gave me a little hint so it was off to the hardware store. It is times like being inside of a hardware store that I feel the real effects of intimidation and having a rambling tongue. I hate this generalization but it’s there.

I have NO idea what type of a fireplace this thing is, how to even start it. It’s gas which is terrifying to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind not having to dump the excess of burnt logs but what if I can’t get the fireplace turned off properly and leave a switch on releasing gas. And poof, the alarm goes off and we have another date with the local Fire Department. This would be so typical, and is my exact fear.

So we have a dilemma and I’ll try to coach my way through it until it works. With the number for the Fire Department on hand!

On a side note, the cookies are a hit. A hit with my taste buds! They were easy to make and look almost exactly like the photo from the recipe. The cookie exchange is set, thank goodness. So here we are on a Saturday and I am excited to say I have a date. A date with Leonardo DiCaprio…and hopefully not the local FD. And since its date night with Leo, why not take it up a notch with a lovely French culinary delight.

The menu game plan:
Starter: Fondue au Gruyere Canapes and leafy salad
Main: Filets de Poisson Bercy aux Champignons
(Fish filets poached in white wine w/mushrooms)
Dessert: Mulled wine and a Chocolate Pistachio Cookie

Sons délectables!