A much needed rest from my thoughts and paper were needed this week. Not only that but time has slipped away and days are getting filled. After reading up on memes and different forms of writing this post is a little unusual, its more poetic than just word to paper. And a total bitch fest in typical Morgan fashion.
Lyrical, with a generosity for bending the rules of structured technique.
I never thought that I would have taken simple, silly, damning words to heart. But as one conversation seeped into another I have found myself frustrated with people. Loved ones. Family.
People I love and know love me in return but with a small price attached that is unspoken yet as loud as day.
As I'm piecing these thoughts together, I am struggling in remaining composed and true to the person I am. True to the woman I have grown into that is undoubtedly confident in stride as well as a physical basis. This shake in confidence befuddles me because there is a pride within that keeps me erect, and for those close, who cannot see but hear of this woman I am, it seems they disagree.
And for this disagreement it creates a forced and slightly invisible step in a backward direction. Something that is unnatural and unwelcome since we are propelled to move forward.
It started during phone calls ages ago, small words about fleeing to do something different. I would always correct that and remind whoever the statement was made by that I am simply living and listening to the call of my soul, my heart is pulling me and I must follow it regardless of direction. Whether it be north or south, five miles to twenty five hundred. Working or saving up to take time off. Everything shy of the norm. It is the freebird nestled in my chest and is the major difference between us.
They do not understand how I can pick up and leave quickly. How I remain outside of a carefully constructed picture of what 'perfect' is. I respect and admire their fundamental and societal values and lifestyle, and know that had I not followed my heart I would be no different. I know someday I will create but today is filled with pieces yet to be connected. They do not see that the box I live in has its flaps pulled back leaving all openings exposed for alternative options. Gaping holes exposing little loops for escape routes.
For the most part all that is said is taken with a grain of salt. Nevermind the cravings of xanax and an overstuffed robe to numb the pain that is involuntarily thrust out. But this time I feel a different need that is neither anything that I know but is something unknown. And it is driving me crazy.
The culprit to this jumble of emotions, a few words that can mean nothing and damage everything.
'You will understand when you are at the same level, You're not there, someday you'll reconnect when you're the same.'
A bearer of unwanted words that sting and draw blood from the driest of bones. This is what is said on a casual basis, during calls of worry, panic and frustration. When things do not go as planned, it is said when we are confused and voice our concerns to people as we should for support. These words are the exact opposite of supportive and yet are said when others try to comfort.
What is one person's perfect is another's hell. Through these distasteful rounds of hurtful punches, I can't help but find a few of them staying behind and clinging in the darkest recesses of my mind. Expanding like warmed oats. Poking, because I am not following a path clearly paved for those close. Will I ever get there? Does it even matter?
Why can't they see me?
I love my family and am thankful we can rely on each other but have become self conscious with their visions. Those words burn, and I secretly cursed them for accusing that a return to visit would never happen during many of these recent calls. I had been planning a trip out to spend time with my sister while she is still pregnant. To see the house she is filling with her growing family. As I'm sipping coffee and feeling the release from morning stretches I have to think maybe they do see through me. I have no desire to visit any of them when such words are being said without thought. Not while those words are sizzling like burning ambers.
What does that mean, where did these levels form? We are all people. We are all growing in this lifetime, there may be varieties in growth but there should never be forms of segregation.
Is this feeling a sense of withdrawal? A reasoning for establishing higher boundaries? Brewing anger?
There are so many questions that I feel should be asked but am unsure if I want to hear the answer. Deep down I feel maybe the answer is already in place and it is only a matter of time before it goes acknowledged. Blood is blood and regardless of words I could never turn my back, because I believe in karma. But I won't be a doormat or a dusting of lint on a well constructed jacket.
At the end of the day the real question is why does this bother me so?
Because after hearing that statement repeatedly it became a fixture. It is familiar. Believable, which is the root of the shake up.
Some part of me feels as though I should take a 'break' or 'vacation' from myself to try going about the day through the eyes of someone else. Someone who has relayed the message I am taking to an utmost personal level. The rebel in me says no, that would be living as someone else therefore losing my own essence.
When do we stop listening, or is there a way to filter out just these types of comments. We know we are better than those words but it doesn't change the fact that like scotch, it burns all the way down.
For now, I sit on the porch managing the value of personal happiness on a daily basis. Reading the morning paper and getting lost in a sea of topics and piping hot coffee not thinking about anything.
Sitting freely taking each passing second for what it is and moving through the rest of the day exactly as directed.
Because that is how I'm made. If some, even if they are my closest, don't agree that choice is theirs. We are all on the same level of life if there even is one, the difference is our perception.
Never one to hold a grudge or remain angry with anyone, getting past this will be a rough road to travel with plenty of traffic. Ill always love every one around but for right now I'm pulling off the heels and slipping into flip flops to figure a course of action with ease and comfort.