When it comes to certain things, point of conflict or just plain nonsense I am a rather quiet person. I observe more so than I contribute verbally, only because trust is a luxury.
And because I honestly cannot stand conflict or dusting the bitch claws off. Because one only knows that the minute I do decide to turn into a green ball of rage I'd feel guilty over causing pain to someone.
Worlds biggest pushover; like that wasn't a given.
The other day while sitting with a group of people, a heated topic got brought up. Basically to make a long and convoluted story short, it was about gratitude and never forgetting how and who helped you get through some days or even through it all. And for this discussion one person went above and beyond of being ungrateful and disrespectful.
While the smooth haze of a warm sunset was lining the streets my eyes were aflame with outrage.
Word (s) association of the day: Son of a b (Cursing is bad M...so very un-ladylike).
Sayonara to the sweet natured woman.
I went off, an outburst of words fled from my tongue like rapid fire. While I was pointing out downfalls and points of terrible support that should have been cushioning someone, the group all stared with gaping eyes and mouths at me.
As soon as I caught a breath and regrouped back to my normal amiable self, I asked what was wrong because the table was silent.
Laughter filled the air, followed by statements of 'where did that come from?' All I could say was that when I'm truly heartfelt about something, I can be loud.
The next day I got a message from a friend saying I was hilarious the night before, only to have another conversation to unfold that I said something that made sense but was completely unexpected. Which naturally made me feel extremely self conscious of whether I'd offended or hurt someones feelings.
Repeat: Worlds largest pushover part deux.
Its not as if I don't think my voice won't get heard, its just that nine chances out of ten people are so blinded that they either aren't ready or simply do not want to listen to you. I've learned this over the years and keep my mouth shut unless the dynamic of the conversation is fluid.
That or I'm just pissed off and going to run my mouth. Because let's face it, if you do hear me getting snappy there's a reason. I'm not prattling about to hear my own voice. Its because I care and want to be supportive.
Which this now puts me in a predicament for an upcoming dinner night, an event so typical and yet something I have not had to deal with in a long while. Putting on a game face for a friend that I know the minute any booze is tossed this direction at a table will turn any a conversation into mass destruction.
Mass destruction, meaning that this friend stands against everything I believe in by being a good person and being respectful of thankfulness. Sounds crazy but why be involved when you are not supported? Of course there is a downfall, this friend has been nothing but genuinely nice with me but what I went off about were actions they'd conducted against a mutual friend. Actions I have witnessed and have raised caution for my own friendly protection. Its not as if I am being judgemental because if what was argued comes up I will naturally listen to her side. Safety first, even if that safety is in the form of a self protective layer of negative actions.
God help me I feel like AA will be on my next round of places to meet people because getting through this one night alone should be nothing less than a shot of Jack Daniels chased by either a guinness or damn it all and just grabbing a bottle of tequila.
This really won't be all that bad, people are people with different beliefs. Somehow I've managed to surround myself with some amazingly positive people. Could it be I want to help this one? Even if it drives nails in my eyeballs?
Either way, all I know is to keep trucking and see what other trainwreck pops up on the Real Housewives boat I'm travelling on.
On a completely different side note, thanks are in order to two lovely ladies that have given it up to this space.
Thank you Lala, a gorgeous pregno mama who has a helluva lot goin on right now and Lisa over at This is Something Infinitely Interesting. It means the world to me that you're following this random journey I'm on and can't wait to see where you all go in yours! For my little factoids check this post out.
Until the next. Happy Humpity Hump Day