I’m sexy and I know it…or at least with heels and lipstick I can be

It’s October, and the detox is officially over with a capital O. For the past several weeks I have been going back in forth between spending more time away from my house and out with friends or just clearing the mind and trying not to sulk. Or to be completely frank--wasting the night away sipping one too many cocktails and forgetting my own personality. Because it was about regrouping and finding something out of your comfort zone (s). And that personality, is me, but she was hurting and needed to get drunk and scream. And eat lots of gelato that is now making crunches so much fun.

It’s over, and god only knows I never thought these words would ever come out of my mouth. EVER. Everything is good, every day is filled and that is a sweet deal. Granted, this little period of getting back to ‘who you are’ felt like a refresher course for Calculus 405 in college, but still. It was needed for everything to be washed out of my confused mind. Which is the always present and never now ending theme.

And yet, here it is. The simple truths that are blinded behind everything and everyone around. They’re over, forgotten and forgiven.

Maybe it’s the fresh color on the hair, the tanned skin, or the red stilettos that seem to be attached to me right now because they scream ‘outrageousness is here.’ Whatever it is, it’s fully embraced and it’s about god damned time.

…or it could possibly be the writing that is amping everything up and building the excitement about potential freelancing. About penning someone else’s story which makes me not think and allows me to just go with the flow each and every single day. The chance of being able to quit a job that I do not enjoy and do something that feels right in my bones and makes my skin sing. I’m leaning toward the writing setting everything on fire. There’s no shame.

The other morning I went out for the day. Put on a cute dress, slapped on the purple heels and just went with it. Every day for the past few months, I’d been eyeing that dress, rolling my eyes at the shoes wondering why in the world it had not been worn in ages. Funk be bygones.

It’s understandable, and it happens. And you know what, you have to get over it. If you sit around and mope about it, time is still getting wasted and a chance at god only knows what could be slipping off in the distance. That dress was like a fire alarm going off inside of my head. This woman, she had partially joined the witness protection program. Though, not really because I’m not socially inverted and actually do go out, but things had been slipping off of the radar that are as much a part of me, as well anything else.

It was time. Time to clean out the wardrobe of clothes that hid a body that needed to shape up just a tad, dye the locks but steer from an emo-clad color and go with something a little on the sultry side. To wear the purple heels.

I feel like it’s been a serious complex of personal issues lately, and it has been because of reasons that will go unannounced on this forum. That’s for Dr. Drew to address and I’m still waiting for an available appointment. It is very hard to see all of the people around you and not judge yourself for your 'shortcomings' or acknowledging your accomplishments. Even so, breathing is easier today. It’s better than it was a year ago. It’s definitely easier than sixty five days ago and because of it, my heart is bigger and I’m saying adios to certain thoughts. Expectations that had quietly become my own. I’m saying goodbye to the lost hours and shouting a big hello to all of the time that lay in front.

So this is my last post on dating. On feeling down and out because honestly, a Kleenex and crappy made for TV movies can help this one. Crying with a box of sour patch kids in my lap and a crystal light stain on my lips. And taking a peripheral vision and turning it into tunnel vision and forgetting about the world that exists all around. A world that I am part of and am no longer missing out on.

Amen, to that.

Do brunettes have more fun?

This is way overdue but the last two weeks have been insanely crazed which in itself is great but I'm feeling a tad hungover on life this morning...but in a really good way.

Let there be no bias statements here.

Almost two weeks has passed and in that time I've been able to sit back, evaluate and see a different side of things that had been blocked mentally and possibly purposefully.

At the thanks to a friend who hosted a successful fashion supporting for the Northern Illlinois Food Bank last week am I able to don a new do. For this particular event, donations were raised to feed the hungry and three women were chosen to feed their sense of style.

Well two women, as I was a shoe in as a personal gift from a friend.

As mentioned before I was highly critical of taking part but eventually understood the two roots for this little makeover. My friend needed help, and I fell into the age demographic that she needed to fill. A transformation has been evolving both inside and out, physically and emotionally and has been witnessed unbeknownst to myself but very much through the eyes of many around.

Its interesting that while we are going through hard times and dark hours, feeling like a debbie downer or just wanting to say the hell with it all, that is when we let go.

Of our rigid habits and daily routines

Passion and excitement lights are extinguished

We fall and are afraid to get back up in a quiet fashion

I had given up on so much at the helm of my own constant rattling of confused and cluttered thoughts. Preconceived notions that made me feel far less inclined to function on a rational scale but rather lay in a bath trying to cleanse the dirty thoughts down the drain. Positive banter became my enemy and lethargy a scornful force, the glint of laughter diminished from my eyes and just as that driving force hit almost rock bottom something happened. A flipping of a switch or slap of a snare drum?

This did not happen, pulling the pieces back together quietly. The urge to get back up and not reclaim but engage and open oneself to something anew exploded like a god damn atom bomb.

Its amazing, exciting, terrifying and all happening at the speed of light.

A job came through in the most unexpected of ways ceasing all worries making it very clear that the time spent prior to working was necessary to the development of this day. Through chance encounters formed and keep forming lifelong bonds that have lifted spirits by leaps and bounds and provided a support like never before...and a whole new look that isn't new it is just right, defining the good things that keep finding their way on this journey to whatever this day is to bring or be open to.

In no way is this a statement for taking a moment for self pity. Shit happens and are far worse for others, this particular stretch was purely a learning curve and a period of time to define strength, will and perseverance for a greater good and whatever that may bring. For change and awareness. For acceptance of the help of others and the never exiting round of gratitude that is part of my DNA,

A huge part of me feels extremely selfish for all that is taking place and taking a few short breaths to believe and have faith in a greater me whether it be reflected out from an inner sense of being, but at the same time I want to be as receptive as possible because if anyone else were near and in the same place of needing support or a lending hand for anything to help reignite that missing glint I would be the first to step up and pay it forward.

Because it is ultimately the right thing to do, and is the only thing to do.

So the real question remains, do blondes have more fun than brunettes? Who cares, everybody is equal to the amount of fun and opportunity so long as you want it. So long as you accept it and add to it in your own individual way.

With that, I leave for work this morning [the glint sparkling brilliantly] with a photo of this transformation that began two years ago with a rash decision to move to San Francisco (platinum blonde hair in tow)which eventually led to Chicago, a place that has not only fed and continues to nourish my soul but has fed my fashion.


Not a big picture taker so this is all there is for this morning!