Monday, January 3, 2011

Going all out vs naturally staying the course

I need a minute.

Yesterday was hellacious, not the way to start a brighter and better year. Today I am reaping in the emotional turmoil (for this minute only!!!). To start it I had a coffee date with a guy I had met randomly before Christmas. We had gotten together once before for a brief walk and talk but it was freezing outside and the time we had was cut a tad short.

Our little chat was nice, genuine. He was sweet. My mind short circuited the minute we sat down on the fluffy chairs of the coffee shop.

It felt like purchasing a car, or more like he was purchasing a car.

We went through the typical dating questions which were easier because there had been a couple of holidays in between. I wasn’t feeling it, I wasn’t feeling him in that pull sort of way when you click with someone and things flow. They were not flowing.

According to our conversation, I’d be walking away with a: 4 door luxury sedan with Wisconsin plates, a motor that can rev up to $100,000+ in a year and fits comfortably in a two car garage.

I normally go into dates with the mindset that I am out there to meet new people. As friends and whatever else that may happen. It makes it easier and takes the stress out of how conversations flow and how my body language is coming across.

If I’m talking to a friend I’m completely relaxed, can say anything without my voice shaking or mindlessly twisting hair. If I’m out looking for a guy to jump his bones (not the case but to make a point), the language is very different.

We finished up the date but it left me feeling a little on the self-conscious side of everything.

Please God, do not let me be a perpetual spinster!

It is not that I am overly picky, because lord knows I am so low maintenance it’s scary. This new guy, it was like he had a long list he was checking off and I don’t know maybe I just went out with him because it felt nice being wanted for a minute. Even if it lasted an hour.

I have been through the ringer in relationships (who has not) and have worked extremely hard on repairing parts of me that were damaged in one specific relationship that turned drastically bad.

The typical drill of being in what was thought to be a perfect relationship, building a future, talking about taking another big step, THE big step, and then it was over. He wasn’t ready to commit, he didn’t want children, he wanted a material lifestyle. What!?! Who was this stranger? I thought we were committed?


Just when I was feeling confident about me, about life and getting back on course in the dating zone a little curve ball got thrown.

Last night my phone got tickled with a message from that stranger. The stranger ex. The message was brief in a cocky format: he is coming into town (how he knows I moved is beyond me) and wants to meet up.

I stared at the message on the phone and could not believe the audacity of this man. Even though time has passed I still cannot see the man I fell in (and heartbreakingly out of) love with in ANY of the words that were in that message.

I am not for sale. I am not some anonymous girl you can phone up when you are travelling.

I was pissed off.


Never felt lonelier in my life frustrated and pissed off.

The message immediately got deleted without a response. How have I attracted that into my life? Nice people finish last I am beginning to believe it!

I mean, I have not heard from this guy in over a year. And he decided to reach out.

That’s too bad. I decided it was not going to work.

There is absolutely no way I will allow that toxic element into my life and turn into a wrecking ball ready to crash through the wall I have erected for safety. Yes, that wall is up for situations like these. Yes it can be broken and lowered down for the right person.

I will take your wrecking ball and eat it for lunch. Along with a full course meal, lover.

I also decided (not even going to mention the workaholic disappearing act…yikes that was a fluke!) that this bout of loneliness is over. Confidence levels are totally restored because this “quiet” time is no longer working.

I am putting myself ALL out there for new people, friends and gentleman callers.

Scratch that. A gentleman caller. Though if there are (s) you won’t hear complaints from this end.

This is not a life fulfilling prophecy on an endless search for some unrealistic outcome. That email set off detonations and made me feel not only cheap but a whole other range of emotions.

I want to be courted, to be appreciated and a whole lot more. Wanting is one thing but making it happen takes action.

So am I naturally staying the course to being a spinster, absolutely not.

I have no intention of being an old lady with cats, collecting ratty old clothes and making the rounds at Goodwill. Only to come home and sip cheap wine in a wicker chair sucking on my front teeth.

I shouldn’t be as worked up over this but I am. What does this mean?

Online dating? Ugh, I shudder at the thought but since I don’t have friends here yet is that the way to do it? I am not photogenic whatsoever!

Sporting events? Who would I go with? I already volunteer but the majority of people involved are ladies. I’ve changed up workouts so cardio days are in the evenings. I need a job to network!

Maybe god will bless me with a chance encounter with a certain tall man who just happens to drop by the city? That is a fantasy but a well played out one! But so not the case of finding Mr. Right.

Sweet Jesus that was a bitch fest and is prematurely causing wrinkles. JK. But it is causing temptations for a drink so moving on!

If I wasn’t a bigger person I would post that god awful email, but I’d like to think I’m better than that. But you know what, I’m not. So for your enjoyment, here is the snazzy piece of “junk mail” for your reading pleasures.

date Sun, Jan 2, 2011 at 9:48 PM
subject hey
mailed by
signed by

Hey, it’s been awhile. Heard you moved to Chi-town, had to run from Seattle huh? That’s okay, I’ll forgive you this time. I’m heading that way in a couple of weeks. Can you spare a few days out of your “busy” schedule for a little down time (…) with an old friend? Give me a call.

I get in on the ___ and staying at the ______, it’ll be fun.


Are you fucking serious!?! Yeah I said the big bad F. Jesus will forgive it.
All good things come from experiences right? Unfortunately this was one that apparently I had to go through in order to build a backbone and speak up. At least I can turn from this and say Thank God that’s a thing in the past, Phew!

This calls for much needed coffee. Happy Monday!!


  1. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Google has an AD on your page right now that is telling me


    Haha I am sorry, I had to ;) Chin up buttercup!

  2. Go figure, that is too funny!

    Thanks Google, maybe I'll check it out later...jk!

  3. Man. The ad I got was for Hot, Local GIRLS.


    Since I'm into guys and all.

    Also - I just have to say that a lot of what you write could have came out of my own mouth...we may be twins separated at birth...ahh! It's SO damn hard to meet people and get to know them..especially on a relationship level..the last dates I've been on have ended in basically the same end as your latest..I left feeling disheartened - I'm normally a very chit chatty person..but with these people..I was stretching to fill the awkward silence...and they seemed to have an imaginary list of do's and don'ts and was making sure that I fit into them - the pressure was ridiculous! And STUPID. One guy actually had a list. He refused to date anyone whose parents were divorced, who hadn't lived in the country, who were this, who weren't that, BLAH BLAH BLAH - and I was just to limit yourself into a tiny little corner. Have fun with that? But of course I just let the silence creep into the conversation and was like..oooh..umm..I see.

    Boys suck. I'm sorry you have a jerky one in your life...despite trying to get rid of him :/ I can tell you that deserve way better than that and I have faith that you'll get there works in mysterious ways :)

    Goodluck putting yourself out's hard..but I've been told that eventually it's worth it..or you know, we could be crazy cat ladies together ;)

  4. DF-The lists are a major drag, for sure. That is just weird to have a date say, no to someone from a divorced family. Whaaaaat?? I'm sorry, but I'm out.

    As much as the guys are a pain, I still love them deep down. And need them for playtime!!

    You know the only reason he is contacting me is probably because our relationship ended near the first of a new year. Sentimental bs. I have been over him for a while now, last night brought up a load of emotions I was not expecting. Hatred and nausea primarily : )

    I'm doing a roll call on FB with my friends/family today and getting their takes. One already said I should hire the MillionDollar Matchmaker. I told her if she did it pro-bono I'm game. I'm not big on online dating but 90% of everyone is saying that's what I have to do. Le sigh

    Cat lady or hipster granny with lycra leggings and cashmere sweaters...hmm

  5. @Morgan
    Ugh - I feel you on the online dating thing..coming from a small town and moving into the 'city' (70K people) - where everyone STILL knows each either know everyone and would never want to date them...or don't know them..and probably still wouldn't want to date them! Or, as my grandmother likes to remind me - I'm RELATED to them - yuck.

    I'm a little terrified of online dating...I made a profile once and ended with an inbox filled with emails tYpd lyk dis - which was an automatic delete in my books. My grammar isn't perfect - and I don't expect anyone elses to be..but jeeze..try to spell at least SOME of the words correctly..PLEASE?! I went on one date, and the guy was just..all wrong. He was looking for someone who would fit into this ridiculous mold he made his life up of..there was absolutely no flexibility..within the first ten minutes he'd told me that he'd never travel anywhere except new zealand because he'd been there before, and he liked it. He always ate one bowl of the exact same cereal and one piece of toast for breakfast. Every Sunday night he went for dinner at his parents. He only drank one kind of beer. He refused to ever have any pets. He needed to know his schedule at least a week in advance - Etc. etc. etc.

    It was the most awkward couple of hours of my life, because while that might work for some was basically the exact opposite of what I was looking for.

    Which made me delete my profile and wonder how I'm ever going to not be an old spinster :P Maybe I shouldn't have given up so I've had a few friends actually find really great guys on dating websites..and my cousin is with her current boyfriend thanks to one..

    So maybe I should give it another shot *sigh*.....I just can't fathom PAYING for a service to find me a date - seems so...weird!

    And to be honest - the lycra leggings sure do sound appealing ;)

  6. Oh my gosh, spelling/grammar irks me like none other, you have NO idea. I have always been skeptical about online dating but am at the conclusion that my methods are clearly not working.

    Random chance encounters, lead to random nights of sex, or meaningless and shifty short term relationships. Not all of the time but for my track's basically like 80/20.

    I just got off of the phone with a good friend and he said that I need to get off of my vibrator and get out the front door. Only a guy would say that!! But he did make a good point, that people are busy (I'm busy) and it is worth a shot. There's nothing to lose, Go Date Go, type of conversation. This is so elementary because I've never had troubles dating, its completely foreign.

    Thankfully there's more than 70k+ here so it doesn't have that "I know you" sort of vibe. So I guess tonight, I'm going to pretend my water is vodka and get online to scope out dating sites.

  7. Wouldn't it be nice if some nice, perfect (for you) guy would just fall into your lap? I'd be pretty okay with that! Alas, I'm not so sure that THAT is how it works :(

    Goodluck turning water into vodka and scoping out the online scene - perhaps you'll find Mr. Right, chronicle it via your blog and inspire me to give it another try ;)

  8. I hate douchey guys like that who expect that just because you have a past that it is ok to keep texting you once you've moved on or forgotten about them or w/e. I have some guys in my life like that, and I really need to just MOVE ON!

    I have tried online dating. I didn it for 2 three month segments on I have an idea of what I'm looking for, however I've been open to going on dates with guys that are ok just because, hey, maybe they really are better in person. WRONG! The one thing I learned about online dating, you HAVE TO trust your instinct. Mother Nature gave it to us for a reason.

    For instance, I met this one guy online and looking at his profile pics, he either had a beer in his hand or was wasted in his pics. This led me to believe that this boy has not grown up yet, he's still living in the "frat" party lifestyle (in this case he was a football player, which in itself is like a frat). Sure enough, our FIRST time we hung out, he passed out on the couch. Umm...yeah.

    I have met some nice guys and I really think that I really don't know how to date. I feel like as soon as we're defined as in a relationship then things change. It sucks. I hate not knowing where we stand, yet I hate it knowing because I know it's going to change things in my mind.

    Well, that's my two-sense. Good luck! I'll keep reading!

  9. Ashley-you are speaking my biggest fear. I am such a big baby when it comes to online dating. When I see photos, I hate that I am judging a book by its cover but I guess that's what it's all about.

    It's really sad because the ex, is or atleast for the time we were together not a dbag. He was sincere, genuine and a downhome good guy. Oh well, we just weren't meant to be together and that's a-okay.

    My friends have been laughing at me all day, because they all say the same thing. I meet people everywhere and yet I'm struggling for a manfriend lately. Hmph. I'll definitely be noting the progress of this whole online jag. I will say that the gym at night...Eye candy!