Monday, February 28, 2011

Carnage and a dream job

The other night a friend went on a text sending spree that was filled with pictures and food for thought while she was watching a bunch of hardcore ladies take the skating rink in a major bloodbath. The team. The Trampires. The concept apart from skating around a rink is yet to be understood.

Our texting conversation was ridiculous and went like this, her texts are bold mine are italic.

These bitches are badass. In my past life I was THE roller derby queen

Are they growling?

Hell no they’re screaming! I’m going to a garage sale next week. I need skates now.

Oh no go to a skating rink and get a used pair. They’ll stink and you could get the penned name Red StankOnYa

Do you think they would let me into their chain gang? One is pretty small but she’s good.

How good? Could you take her?

I could totally take her but I’d be afraid she’ll come back and whip me

I have no idea what that means but I’m guessing she’s a mean bitch.

Really mean, do you really think I could do it?

YES stop asking me, go fill out an application that is probably on the inside of their skates.

These texts went on until I think she forgot what a telephone was and got hooked on the skating carnage. The truth behind this is that she really could be a roller derby girl. I can vouch for this, she’s got the mouth of a trucker and has zero patience for stupidity or anyone who disagrees. Which is pretty much everyone.

Whether being a Lead Jammer appeals to you as your dream job, these outrageous texts were hilarious and made me think about some of the random ‘dream jobs’ I have had throughout the years.

Professional Taste Tester

Pinkberry takes this by a landslide. My biggest fear would be tasting something that is absolutely disgusting and reminds you of poo. Gross. Best thing that could come out of this, finding gold for your palette. I have a friend who is a food scientist and tests certain acidic levels in food. How interesting would that be.

Professional Makeup Artist

Seeing as I can hardly apply makeup properly on my own face now, I am so thankful this was not the chosen profession! Plus I’d make someone look like a tranny mess.

Professional Carnival Folk

Carnies. Good GOD. I just put this one out for laughs. Seriously, clowns terrify me. I have not been to a circus since I was a wee child and will never ever take my own children to them because of this intense fear. Traveling carnival folk-yeah not so much. I’m sure they’re nice as pie with bearded ladies and crazy tents of terror but this gal is saying Nay as being a dream job.

Really and truly my dream job was to become a Primary School Educator between third and sixth grade, I started studying for it only to pull another ‘blonde moment’ and switch majors to the arts. Strangely I’m working at getting back into university so a dream really can come true in due time.

These are mine, they’re not as glamorous as a Chicken Sexer (they determine the sex of chicken eggs), Diaper Scent Sniffer (they’re clean diapers!) or a Roller Derby Diva but they just are.

Did you have a job that you dreamt about day and night that would have been perfect for you?


  1. What a funny text-fest, i hope your friend gives it a go!

    I wanted to be an actress, my whole childhood and teen years. I never did anything about it, though my husband encourages me to give it a go every time i bring out the inner Drama Queen ;)

  2. Omigosh, I loved reading your texts with your gf!! Reminds me of the ones between me & my bff!! Thanks for stopping by my blog & commenting today! Totally made me smile:) Now following u!!
    ps...I have a lil giveaway going on in case you want to stop by a check it out! Have an awesome week!

  3. Those were some epic texts! I would totally love to be a taste tester :) I have a friend that works the head Budweiser tents at the professional golf tournaments. She hands out beer, drinks beer, and schmoozes. My kinda job!

  4. @thefancyflea:The inner drama queen, if its something you're passionate about give a try. Why not right, who knows you could be the next Oscar contender.

    @Sherri:It went on for what seemed like forever, with a lot more profanities! She's a riot and I hope she actually does something about this new rage! I'll pop back over and see what it's all about!

    @Texa:At one point it turned into a whole 'what if I lose my teeth?' debate. Getting random messages like that make a week! Ok your friend has a pretty sweet deal. You are basically getting paid to live the life, sort of like being a beach bum. You just get to hang! Loves.

    Happy Monday all

  5. @Jenn:Petrified it has got to be that gawdy makeup and their bunchy clothes. Or it could be Stephen King? Maybe. Welcome welcome! thanks for stopping in.

  6. Your comment was so sweet and motivating =) Just thought you should know!! Looking forward to getting the FTLOB group going and being there for one another!!! xox here is to a productive and positive week!!!

  7. I'm a new follower from the Tuesday hop! I'd love for you to come visit me at! Hope you are having a great evening!

  8. @KY: Always, the group is going to be pretty badass. Woo, go fitness and good health!

    @Kortney:Welcome welcome, thanks for dropping by! I'm coming round now!

  9. Fun post! There were lots of careers I was interested in, but one I've kept coming back to since I was 10 is midwife (like Certified Nurse-Midwife in a hospital, I'd be too chicken to do homebirths). I've just been obsessed with pregnancy, childbirth, and babies for as long as I can remember. Maybe eventually I'll finish school and do it, if I can stop popping babies of my own out first. :-) They're just so cute!

  10. @Heather:Do you have Lifetime? If so, there's a new show that is fun to watch about childbirth. am very familiar with midwives and they're actually becoming more common than you know! More and more hospitals/clinics are opening to midwives because their specialty scope is so wide. normally I don't promote but I'd definitely look into it if it's something that has caught your eye but this is coming from someone with a healthcare background midwives have come a LONG way!

    Poppin' your own babies is quite enjoyable for now thought, they're cute and smell so good :)

  11. I am a new follower and new to blogging. It has only been a little over a month so I am still learning a little more each day. My blog is not as technical or awesome as yours but I am getting there. I am following you thru GFC and would greatly appreciate a follow back! Thanks!

    Mary @

  12. @mmbear:Welcome, thanks so much for dropping in! I tell you I'm the least tech savvy person it took me ages to get a header going. Good luck with yours...I'm off to see what you're all about!