Four little words that hide in the smallest of crevices in our mind and pop out when expected but secretly we inwardly flinch whenever they expose their dirty dispositions.
Everything is not alright. The bearer of unwanted sleepless nights, a lack of appetite, refusal of telephone calls and many other things that steal our normal thoughts and place them in a place fueled by worry. By doubt. By fear and secrecy.
I believe that we go through things even if they take us to our darkest hour for a reason. A friend made an excellent point by saying that it is when we are at our ‘lowest’ or ‘hardest’ of places do our minds open up and we can then ‘see’ what we didn’t want to before.
I am not myself and that is not alright. Over the past few months I have increasingly become distant with some that I am close with for reasons that are common and yet embarrassing to admit. I did not want anyone to know that I was nervous about where I am at in life or where things stand. That I have no clue if I made the right decisions, where do I go, do I go it alone. In their eyes, I feared they would be thinking that this was just another way for me to muck up and remain outside of their standards. And so I put up a fake front covering up this discomfort.
Why I even care about the thoughts of other people is quite foreign however my mind is playing dirty little tricks and secretly (openly in this forum) I care immensely. Because I feel that my reasons for being distant are definitely selfish but done involuntarily in a sense of trying to figure out a personal path in life that will get me to their same standards. This topic is not new, and is constantly on my mind so this is sort of a repeated bunch of nonsense.
As I was curled up on the couch in my very own fat man pants I got a phone call from my friend who asked me to come to her store for a bit, was it a sign? Did she know I was stressing out and feeling like I could talk to no one? Yes and after several hours I left her shop and the smoke screen began to lift.
This time of the unknown is a prime period. As terrifying as that sounds, it is a period that I have been stripped of known structure and given control to an undeniable force that is hopefully guiding into something that is fundamentally meant to be. For as long as I can note, I have worked desperately to get by and have been unhappy through the entire process. Over the past several months I have been lucky in more ways than one and am able to see this through the darkest hour.
I moved to a city without knowing a soul, stepped out on a fluke and was embraced immediately by a group I am fortunate to call friends. The Real Housewives…I’m a bonafide member of the crazies only sans the housewife part for now. Brushing up the wine goblets and fully onboard the dirty hot mess train! Toot toot.
The job aspect has been a royal, stress inducing pain in the neck but as I think things over there is a reason things have not worked themselves out quite yet.
Men, sweet jesus, but again there is a reason things have not worked out yet.
What it all comes down to is that life is filled with challenges. There’s never an easy route and even if you think someone has it better than you, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you continue living your life how and whichever way makes you happiest.
I lost sight of this over the course of the week, in the absence [phones, internet, etc.] time was replaced with the comfort of truthful and healthy insight.
This sort of openness to vulnerability was something I needed experience in order to understand the real depth of everything that makes me whole as a person. A woman that can get through this rough spell and remain as amazing, desirable, happy, loveable, equal, laughable, excited, emphatic and at peace as ever.
It’s a doozy and hopefully the last of these snarky deep rooted ones. To make a convoluted story short. Hard times are a serious bitch and will sneak up but they will always pass just as fast.