Sunday, February 20, 2011

Finally the smoke starts to clear

Fat Man Pants.Check. Fluffy Robe and clean duvee. Double Check.A cupboard rummaged to the very nillies for carbolicious treats and every single coffee bean.Ugh, this week has been just that. Triple checked as one done for the year.

Fat man pants

Your loveable frienemy. They hide everything from a little bloating to that extra doughy goodness that was scarfed at the third breakfast for the day. All at the same time providing comfort in baggy style.

Robie Robe Robe

If this piece of fabric could be converted into square footage, I would gladly endorse and provide directions on how someone’s body can find a sweet new home. (PJ Salvage-is a must own. And apparently Jersey Shore approved go figure)


When do we crave bad things…when things are bad. Openly admitting that I did not indulge in the carbs this week. However, and this is a rather large however. I was given champagne and we snuck off for a weeklong getaway together.

Four little words that hide in the smallest of crevices in our mind and pop out when expected but secretly we inwardly flinch whenever they expose their dirty dispositions.

Everything is not alright. The bearer of unwanted sleepless nights, a lack of appetite, refusal of telephone calls and many other things that steal our normal thoughts and place them in a place fueled by worry. By doubt. By fear and secrecy.

I believe that we go through things even if they take us to our darkest hour for a reason. A friend made an excellent point by saying that it is when we are at our ‘lowest’ or ‘hardest’ of places do our minds open up and we can then ‘see’ what we didn’t want to before.

I am not myself and that is not alright. Over the past few months I have increasingly become distant with some that I am close with for reasons that are common and yet embarrassing to admit. I did not want anyone to know that I was nervous about where I am at in life or where things stand. That I have no clue if I made the right decisions, where do I go, do I go it alone. In their eyes, I feared they would be thinking that this was just another way for me to muck up and remain outside of their standards. And so I put up a fake front covering up this discomfort.

Why I even care about the thoughts of other people is quite foreign however my mind is playing dirty little tricks and secretly (openly in this forum) I care immensely. Because I feel that my reasons for being distant are definitely selfish but done involuntarily in a sense of trying to figure out a personal path in life that will get me to their same standards. This topic is not new, and is constantly on my mind so this is sort of a repeated bunch of nonsense.

As I was curled up on the couch in my very own fat man pants I got a phone call from my friend who asked me to come to her store for a bit, was it a sign? Did she know I was stressing out and feeling like I could talk to no one? Yes and after several hours I left her shop and the smoke screen began to lift.

This time of the unknown is a prime period. As terrifying as that sounds, it is a period that I have been stripped of known structure and given control to an undeniable force that is hopefully guiding into something that is fundamentally meant to be. For as long as I can note, I have worked desperately to get by and have been unhappy through the entire process. Over the past several months I have been lucky in more ways than one and am able to see this through the darkest hour.

I moved to a city without knowing a soul, stepped out on a fluke and was embraced immediately by a group I am fortunate to call friends. The Real Housewives…I’m a bonafide member of the crazies only sans the housewife part for now. Brushing up the wine goblets and fully onboard the dirty hot mess train! Toot toot.

The job aspect has been a royal, stress inducing pain in the neck but as I think things over there is a reason things have not worked themselves out quite yet.

Men, sweet jesus, but again there is a reason things have not worked out yet.

What it all comes down to is that life is filled with challenges. There’s never an easy route and even if you think someone has it better than you, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you continue living your life how and whichever way makes you happiest.

I lost sight of this over the course of the week, in the absence [phones, internet, etc.] time was replaced with the comfort of truthful and healthy insight.

This sort of openness to vulnerability was something I needed experience in order to understand the real depth of everything that makes me whole as a person. A woman that can get through this rough spell and remain as amazing, desirable, happy, loveable, equal, laughable, excited, emphatic and at peace as ever.

It’s a doozy and hopefully the last of these snarky deep rooted ones. To make a convoluted story short. Hard times are a serious bitch and will sneak up but they will always pass just as fast.


  1. Holy cow, I feel that this would have been my post about 5 years ago word for word. I know exactly where you are right now, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I can only tell you that it will get better, I promise, and you acknowledging it is such a great thing. Besides, you have to know we are all here for you in bloggyland (right, a lot of comfort, haha)
    Have fun with your friends, reach out to them. And if they are your true friends, they will be reaching out to you as well. Stay strong and big internet hug your way :)

  2. What you are feeling right now is so common! Hell, I still go through spurts like this where I want to curl up on the couch and not move (I'm a guilty party)...and that is totally okay and acceptable - I honestly think the best thing for you sometimes is to just enjoy the quiet, enjoy yourself..sort your thoughts, figure out who you are..and then GET UP and get out in the sunshine! Texa is right - it seems like you have great friends there who care about you - and you for sure have them here in bloggyland too. Chin up pretty girl :)

  3. @Texa:To know that you made it through and lived to tell funny tales gives hope! OK wait-there's always hope but ya know what I mean. It's almost funny because I should have gone through this a long time ago but was too busy to deal and shrugged it off. A reason behind irritating!

    @KY:That makes total sense, and oddly I have been taking several days to sort and figure a game plan on what is the brightest and more positive way that flows.

    Thanks ladies, the clouds are lifting.

  4. Thanks for stopping by. Love this post.

  5. Thanks for stopping by my blog Morgan! What a well written and insightful post--hang in there. Your true friends will be there for you no matter what you are going through, that's why they are called friends :)

  6. @DebraAnn:It's a debbie downer and I promise more positive ones are to follow!

    @KT:Of course-the soft eggs minus the prosciutto were on this morning! I cannot agree more, I value those women more than they will ever know. But I think they do because they're lookin' out for this blondie!