Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A bride, a valium and a closet drinker

Note to self, if and when a marriage is ever going to be taking place in this lifetime I will:

A. Elopement is very enticing and the money saved could be pushed onto a major party with friends and family afterward. More money for booze that way-because I’m cheap like that

B. Find comfort in with a PCP and get set up with one of the three charmers: Prozac, Valium or Xanax to ease the rising tension of the people around me i.e. Mom and Sister

C. Throw a bridal party at a house not a store

It has become a little on the clearer side that it’s all about marriages and babies this year, divorces are so blasé and in last year’s fashions. A friend is getting married just after Memorial Day and over the weekend she threw a bridal shower that was originally planned to be a sort of come and go as you please for a few hours.

The shower was being held at my other friend’s boutique, a place that has not seen the likes of more than 30 people inside the walls all at once. A place of almost peace and serenity; even when in the temptation throws of serious consumerism.

It was chaos. People were everywhere and the tension was so thick you could cut it with a plastic knife from the cake. It was frenzied but eventually became a train-wreck for voyeurism in top form.

Bottles of champagne and wine being opened during the setup which was well in the morning (which knowing if and when a wedding ever happens in this court that is expected as well), so much back talking that your ears would turn red, a bride who looked as if she would rather have been at home than at her own party at the end of the party….

and a grandmother who snuck off to the washroom more often than any bladder would allow. With her bag.

Now I’m not one to cast stones, the first couple of times I figured nothing of it just an overactive bladder. The more times she kept clogging up the washroom I thought theft, but she never brought clothes with her.

That is when the bag came into view. Normally I’d say this is a very sad thing, but when you’re aware and telling strangers that even the AA police would be avoiding that shindig, an intervention is in order. But then again…everyone was sipping a little more than the average. Even so, the woman was still functioning and holding babies, walking around. One would never know she was drunk or well on her way.

To make matters even more awkward, I had been asked from multiple people if there were altercations between others. Time to pop another pill and chase it with some wine. With the booze flowing, there was so much merchandise that had anyone slipped with a beverage in hand, disaster could have struck.

By the end of the shower I felt completely drained, and I was a guest! This is where the prescriptions come into play. Showers are fun, everyone has a great time, the bride is glowing because she is so happy. If you’re not feeling this, those little pills will make you smile wide and shine brightly. It was a rocky boat ride. Groups were segregated, everyone was friendly but there were distinct couplings-weird, very few took part of having their nails painted, spray tans and massages.

Lesson learned this time around, depending on the bride. Showers are like rollercoasters. They go up and down and just when you think you’ve found a groove along the rails you’re launched into an oblivion of chaos and speed.


  1. How bizarre! What a weird wedding shower. Sounds like great people watching, but maybe a little too in your face. And you have the perfect state of mind. Elope somewhere fun (I know a great little place in Vegas) and then stress free party with your friends and family as you drug your mom and sister! hahaha. Awesome. Glad you survived the shower!

  2. Boy, today is a day for some great posts that I can so identify with.

    Cannot speak for others but I HATE Bridal/Baby Registrys, hate them, hate them! You get the idea. I'm creative in my gift giving and dislike the thought of someone sitting back and checking-off everything they're getting, in advance, from their puter. And, some stores, I refuse to shop in..period.

    Went to a wedding almost 2 years ago, son of our best friends. The bride had her mother as Matron of Honor; no biggie except mama refused to be called "matron", she wanted to be a "maid". 60+ years old, she dressed in a lavender bridal gown, looking like she fell off the top of a senior citizen wedding cake. I still call her "Geriatric Barbie".

    This past Sunday, this same woman threw a Baby Shower for her precious preggers daughter; I declined the invitation and heard she carried on like...."Geriatric Pregnant Barbie". I can only imagine she dressed up in maternity clothes at the shower.

    Elope...have a barefoot wedding, a bareass wedding; avoid all this superficial, nonsensical bullcrap that so many find necessary to make a statement to society.



  3. Wierd! So glad I'm past that moment in our lives that we need to worry about bridal showers. Bring on the babies!

  4. Oh holy mess!! I feel like the walking dead...but am sweating like nobody's business so apparently the glands aren't dead.

    @Texa:If in doubt, I'll turn and ask questions on little chapels because god save us all with crazy bs!!I must say that there is jerry springer appeal and the wedding should be fun-for the eyes and ears. The drama unfolds seriously, I don't even know how much booze was flowing and how many secrets were 'stage' whispered-love me some dramz!!

    @Patty:I am DYING-geriatric barbie bahaha!!! Cannot agree more, I cannot stand registries AT ALL. Loathe them and totally know what you're saying about people checking to see what was bought already-who does that!?! Elopement...definitely going to be happening, guess I'd better find the guy first :)

    @Sandy:Yay-I say bring on the babies too! it was random but I have to admit that dysfunction is soooo much fun!