Sitting and gabbing with a bunch of women last night made certain feelings creep up the backside of my neck and take residence for a fitful rest and a day for pondering.
I know that deep down, I should not allow personal insecurities to overpower my mind and the way I react emotionally but sometimes it is easy to fall blind to them when they are least expected or are deep rooted with incredible hiding places.
These emotional uncertainties at first appear small but slowly expand and start to dominate all thoughts making it hard to find a positive resource, a resonated exit to which is acknowledged but let go within minutes or even seconds. Any amount of time to ward off the acceptance because it is through the acceptance that feeds the power of it.
For a long time I have created a wall as a form of security and as it turns out, this wall has been my fear blanket and completely negating everything I fight hard to ward out of this life and the way I react. It was a supposed safety net but in actuality, it was damaging my soul and the exuberant light I have. My light was dimming (damn that tarot reading, I am far less skeptical now!!).
Always walking into a situation I keep an open mind, eyes are wide open and I embrace anything that is directed in front, to the side or above and beyond. This wall has blocked my plain of sight, it has shielded my thoughts and kept them in the confines of the blocked off area.
Being with the group and now sitting at home taking this moment for clarity I understand the insecurities and acknowledge that they were fear based. They are not worth dwelling on and it is my choice in how to read the meaning behind them.
For months and probably years I have been slowly getting anxiety about certain aspects of my life and how things are turning out, where things have gone and very easily lost sight of where I am at in that very moment. All of these thoughts were directed inwardly and looked at from a backward position.
Because I get consumed by all of this time in an indeterminate state, I lose sight of everything that has been accomplished and continues to be, the joys that have been experienced and the power of will that it took to get through it all. The happiness of everyday life.
I don’t know where I am going with all of this, I don’t have any profound answers but I do know that living through your heart is much better than living through your fears.
So what does this all mean, I’m old enough to know that self doubting is not worth the frustration and the sleepless nights and that life is precious so why not grab a bull by its horns and run with it?
Figuratively speaking of course! Or not...it could technically be a new man you know! (since we've gotten signed up with the whole online jag)
Anyways, I’m tired and rambling because last night was refreshing and I am eternally thankful that I sat down with that bunch of ladies. All of my crazy antics seem frivolous and are not worth any time expelled on them. Life is too short to walk around with a frown plastered on your face.
So with that, get out and enjoy your day. Smile at someone, kiss your loved ones and laugh a little louder!