I’m following suit with the theme for today at For the Love of Blogs by cleaning out your closet. Though I already use this blog as a way to vent my way through daily fixtures I am going to do this a little differently by staying with a good outlook on why I am airing this laundry out so to speak.
While I could completely lose it and vent about my intense fear over the past year and a half and that seems to still be happening I’m not doing that because that is reality and it’s a work in progress in kicking that to the curb.
This cleaning out the closet is something else entirely.
I am turning thirty in a month in a half and I am beginning to freak out, it’s more than anxiety and I can’t even believe that this is something rushing through my thoughts.
When I was younger and running around with friends we always used to pretend our Barbie’s were us, on our wedding days, out on dates, dressing up, etc. We would make to do lists or wish lists of everything that we hoped and dreamed for:
Marrying a college sweetheart
Buying a house and filling it up with lots of little babies by twenty something
Being a stay at home mom to raise those babies
Becoming a bonafide beach bum
My wish list was very long and now as I am approaching this tender age my list has several tick marks, but there are also several gaps where I have moved on and tried alternative routes. I have veered from the dotted lines.
The list really should not hold such heavy importance over my head but secretly it does, I feel the weight of not only the words but also of my family and the way everyone has followed a certain path in living their lives and where I strayed.
When they turned 22 the majority got married, I was rushing out to San Francisco to pursue a degree in film. They turned 24 and were buying houses I was jet-setting around Europe trying to find me exploring the unknown, and tasting as much gelato as possible. At thirty they all had children or were pregnant. This is where I start to feel the anxiety.
My biological timeclock is ticking like mad and while I have never really been bothered by the differences between my life than with my family or friends around this is where I falter. I am turning thirty and I still have not reached their levels. I am still searching for levels of my own to reach, to build on, to love and appreciate. To experience.
I love and value everything that I have gone through and as these days at turning into a new period in life is different from those around me I have to stop and think my life is just as great as the next person. Different but equally as incredible.
That wish list was written when I was a youngster with a mind stuck in bubble gum clouds never having to deal with the realities of everyday life but it still stuck with me up until this day.
I have gotten this far and think that maybe my wish list was a little premature, maybe I wasn’t ready for other certain things to happen exactly how they were written. Who knows, all I know is that everyone is different, we all live different lives and I am okay with where I am at today.
Okay, but still think it’s unnerving to say that in so many weeks I am going to be turning into an ancient woman. Thankfully I will be an extremely happy ancient woman that has and will continue to accomplish a lot.