Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It’s time to do the laundry

I’m following suit with the theme for today at For the Love of Blogs by cleaning out your closet. Though I already use this blog as a way to vent my way through daily fixtures I am going to do this a little differently by staying with a good outlook on why I am airing this laundry out so to speak.

While I could completely lose it and vent about my intense fear over the past year and a half and that seems to still be happening I’m not doing that because that is reality and it’s a work in progress in kicking that to the curb.
This cleaning out the closet is something else entirely.

I am turning thirty in a month in a half and I am beginning to freak out, it’s more than anxiety and I can’t even believe that this is something rushing through my thoughts.

When I was younger and running around with friends we always used to pretend our Barbie’s were us, on our wedding days, out on dates, dressing up, etc. We would make to do lists or wish lists of everything that we hoped and dreamed for:

XX picking us up after football practice
Marrying a college sweetheart
Buying a house and filling it up with lots of little babies by twenty something
Being a stay at home mom to raise those babies
Becoming a bonafide beach bum

My wish list was very long and now as I am approaching this tender age my list has several tick marks, but there are also several gaps where I have moved on and tried alternative routes. I have veered from the dotted lines.

The list really should not hold such heavy importance over my head but secretly it does, I feel the weight of not only the words but also of my family and the way everyone has followed a certain path in living their lives and where I strayed.

When they turned 22 the majority got married, I was rushing out to San Francisco to pursue a degree in film. They turned 24 and were buying houses I was jet-setting around Europe trying to find me exploring the unknown, and tasting as much gelato as possible. At thirty they all had children or were pregnant. This is where I start to feel the anxiety.

My biological timeclock is ticking like mad and while I have never really been bothered by the differences between my life than with my family or friends around this is where I falter. I am turning thirty and I still have not reached their levels. I am still searching for levels of my own to reach, to build on, to love and appreciate. To experience.

I love and value everything that I have gone through and as these days at turning into a new period in life is different from those around me I have to stop and think my life is just as great as the next person. Different but equally as incredible.

That wish list was written when I was a youngster with a mind stuck in bubble gum clouds never having to deal with the realities of everyday life but it still stuck with me up until this day.

I have gotten this far and think that maybe my wish list was a little premature, maybe I wasn’t ready for other certain things to happen exactly how they were written. Who knows, all I know is that everyone is different, we all live different lives and I am okay with where I am at today.

Okay, but still think it’s unnerving to say that in so many weeks I am going to be turning into an ancient woman. Thankfully I will be an extremely happy ancient woman that has and will continue to accomplish a lot.



  1. Haha I hear you about the bio-clock. Its terrible, isn't it? I was considering Cleaning out My Closet this week but I don't think I could keep it as classy as you did! Bravo :)

  2. I wouldn't be surprised if your married friends weren't a little jealous of you. You moved away from home and got to travel while they were stuck at home taking care of small children. You've had adventures that they haven't. I know, the grass is always greener on the other side.

    But your time for all of that will come. 30 is not as old as it seems when you first hit it.

  3. @KY: Awful! Believe me, I wanted it to be a full on negative nancy post but just couldn't bring myself to pen it down.

    @MyNew..:That is very true about the grass being greener, thankfully with people we are close to differences can be put aside. That and turning 30 is only a minor hangup for a new door is about to open.

  4. hey, stopped by via FTLOB and I also recently made a short list of thing I want to accomplish before my 30th b-day this summer... guess were thinking alike! Love your post!

  5. 30 isn't ancient!!! :) I'm 25 and I don't think you get to call yourself ancient until like... 50 maybe... haha!

    You should be so proud of your accomplishments! Everyone has their own path to follow and just because yours is different, it still may be the perfect path for YOU! :) Stopping by from FTLOB.

  6. @City:Good luck on your list! Getting through it will be an adventure in itself.

    @Kassi:Ancient does seem harsh the more I think about it! I am really loving what you said about the paths, it certainly must be the right one for me if its worked this far. Happy Wednesday.

  7. I want to clean my closet out too ... but I'm waiting for KY to do it first! Haha!

  8. @HW:Have some drinks on hand, seriously doubt that is gonna happen!!